Dear Barack

I’ve always liked you. Your speech in 2004 was a beacon in a very dark time. You indeed brought us hope, not just in our ultimately futile desire for a Kerry victory, but in an idea that America could be healed, that the red states and the blue states could come together and celebrate the things we have in common rather than railing against the things we don’t. I thought it was too early for you to seek the White House, but I have watched your campaign with interest, fully prepared to sign on with you in the general if you earned the nomination. I thought you represented a reduction in partisan rancor, a new sense of American unity and positive change. And I loved the way you talked about faith as a means to achieve those goals.

Now I want to tell you to go to Hell.

I’ll leave aside your new dabbling in Social Security hysteria, your lame attempts at playing gotcha with Senator Clinton over Iran and the real lack of leadership you have shown in the Senate. The reason I am pissed is obviously your association with Donnie McClurkin.

I am a gay man. I am proud to say that. In fact, I am happy to say it. Using your rubric, I suppose this means I have nothing to fear from Mr. McClurkin. He’s only fighting a war against unhappy gays. The fact that you are parsing the man’s language in the first place is but the latest insult in this very insulting affair.

Let me be perfectly clear: Any man who tells you he has been cured of homosexuality, any group that tells you they can “treat” the homosexuality out of a person -- really, anyone who tells you homosexuality is a choice in the first place -- is an insane person. He is disordered. There is something seriously wrong with him.

I did not choose to be gay any more than I chose to be white, have curly hair or sport size twelve feet. In my 32 years on this planet I have made exactly one choice in regards to my sexual orientation: I chose to be honest about it, to accept it of myself and to expect the people I care about to accept it as well. This is the only choice anyone truly makes about being gay or not being gay (or being straight or not being straight.)

I understand that not everyone believes me in this regard. Some do believe it is a choice. And often the people, like Mr. McClurkin, who espouse this believe have made a choice. But it wasn’t a choice between gay or straight. It was a choice between honesty and deceit, between health and disorder, between being happy and being suicidal.

You are running for President of all the states. I understand this. You need to reach out to people of all faiths, of all beliefs. I understand – I applaud – you attempts to reach out to more conservative churches. We need to bring people of every faith into the party because I truly believe we, as a party, more fully represent the teachings of Christ. We are kinder, we are more inclusive and we believe it is our responsibility to help each other. There is an important place for people of faith in our party.

But Donnie McClurkin is not a person of faith. He is a crazy person. And his particular form of psychosis is not only to hate himself, but to teach others to hate themselves in the same way. He may claim that his disordered crusade is done out of love. But that is the ultimate lie. Jesus taught us to love each other, to reach out to the poor and help to heal the sick or infirm. He did not teach us to hate ourselves or to peddle false cures. And he certainly did not teach us to hate.

I may hope for a Presidential candidate who will simply say that the “debate” over homosexuality is over, that we are equal citizens of the Republic, deserving of the same rights as everyone else and that anyone who says otherwise is simply an uneducated bigot not worthy of our time. But I am realist. I know we are not there yet as a nation. So I can support a candidate who, say, favors civil unions over marriage. I am willing to compromise.

But when presented with a person who not only clearly hates himself, but all gays and lesbians, a person who accuses me of trying to harm children, a person who claims that my very being is a disease from which I must be cured, I expect any candidate I am to support, or any thinking person for that matter, to immediately see that wretched man for exactly what he is: a bigot.

Pundits will say that you lost the gay vote when you refused to cancel the appearance by Mr. McClurkin or when you allowed him to emcee the event or even your idiotic press release about happy gays (As opposed to the, what, uppity ones? You should be ashamed of yourself). But I will tell you when you lost my vote. You lost it when you associated yourself with this man in the first place. He is hatred personified and the fact that he cloaks that evil in faith makes his doubly dangerous.

But you went beyond just talking to the man. You gave him a microphone, you gave him a stage. You gave him your stage. And that can only mean one of two things. Either you agree with him or you are an unbelievable cynic, willing to trade the gay constituency for the religious one. (Seeing the two as mutually exclusive was your first sin, sir.) You didn’t just quietly dis gay voters. You did it as loudly as possible. You let us know, in no uncertain terms, that not only are we unimportant to your campaign strategy, but that you see us as diseased and malevolent.

Mr. Senator, message received. You will not receive my vote. Nor will you receive my partner’s vote, nor my parents, or his parents or their friends, or my friends’ votes. Because I may be gay, but I am still a member of a family. And unlike the families Mr. McClurkin seeks to make, my family is one filled with love and honesty and actual Christian values.

You have lost my vote. And not just in the primary (where, I must admit, I was already planning on voting for Senator Edwards) but in the general. Not the general election next November; you lost any shot at the nomination – and the Vice Presidency -- last week. No, you lost my vote in 2012, in 2016 in 2020.

Senator Obama, you have lost my vote forever.

A Nuke Hits Daytime

It doesn’t take courage in this day and age to tell a gay story on a soap opera. AMC did the first one back in 1982 and followed that up with the Michael story in the mid-90’s and Bianca at the end of the decade and into the new millennium. ATWT had Hank in the mid-eighties. OLTL had Billy in 1992. Even the manliest of soaps, GH, apparently, has a character named Lucas, who likes guys, but he’s spent most of the last 20 years at diabetes camp and I’m pretty sure his Mom moved out of town or something. Hell, even Passions has done both a lesbian story and a man on the down-low story (with all the class, tact and honesty one expects of that show.) So telling a gay story is not the new, shocking, earth-shattering prospect it once was. What does take courage is to tell this story well. And ATWT is showing an awful lot of guts these days.

The story of Luke Snyder, a classic legacy character -- son of the show’s heroine, member of more than one core family -- falling in love with closeted film buff Noah Mayer has been told with restraint, honesty, subtlety and, most importantly, heat. The biggest reason for this success is probably the performances by Van Hansis (Luke –the best young talent find of the last ten years. Yes, better than Jennifer Landon), Jake Silbermann (Noah), Alex Chando (Maddie), Daniel Hugh Kelly (Colonel Mayer, Noah’s Dad) and Trent Dawson (Henry, Maddie’s brother). But for now, I want to talk about the writing. Because the Luke/Noah story is without question the best thing on ATWT right now and probably the best thing in daytime period. And the foundation the writers have given is the reason.

While the subject matter, two guys in love, is new, all of the underpinnings of this story are pure, traditional soap opera. Two characters are drawn to each other, long for each other, but conflicts both internal and external are fighting to keep them apart. Aside from the whole “Noah’s Dad may be a murderer” angle, the conflicts in this romance have been absolutely realistic: Noah’s struggle to please his father, Maddie trying to get over Casey by throwing herself blindly into a romance with Noah, Luke struggling with his friendship with Maddie, his feelings for Noah and his own self esteem and history of picking unavailable men. There is no spurned lover setting up contrived drama to drive them apart, no stupid misunderstandings, no supervillains. Everything has been realistic, domestic and true. And that’s what soaps used to do best. It is strange that this revolutionary story is what it took to get these writers back to basics.

I’ve watched most of the major gay stories on soaps in the past 30 years. I watched the Billy story on OLTL religiously. And it was gutsy for its day. But Billy was practically asexual; I think he had one date. Ultimately, this was a story about Andrew, Marty, Viki, Clint, Sloan and Joey. Billy was the inciting incident, not the lead. In the end, it was also a story about AIDS as much as it was about Billy’s coming out, what with the Quilt coming to town and whatnot. Still, for its time, it was about as good as it got on TV in terms of presenting gay issues.

When I found out that Bianca Montgomery would be coming out, I immediately tuned back in to AMC. And a lot of that story was well done, especially the Bianca/Erica stuff. But the Kane daughter’s forays into dating were usually quickly over and forgotten or set-ups in Erica’s story. And then Agnes Nixon introduced Lena to the mix. She was a sexy bad girl with a foreign accent hired to seduce Bianca to bring down Erica. And of course worldly, desperate Lena fell in love with the sweet, young Bianca. And when the suits actually let it happen, the story was hot and romantic. But it always felt so hesitant (not on the part of the actors), so fleeting that I could never really invest. Which was a good thing since Megan McTavish came in as Head Writer, threw all of that careful relationship-building out the window and finally achieved her lifelong dream of raping a virginal lesbian on national television. And then after an unending baby-switch story which presented Bianca as either sobbing or comatose and never as a sexual being, Eden Riegel left the show with her heretofore heterosexual best friend Maggie. The Bianca/Maggie relationship was one some fans had clamored for for years but it was given very short shrift. Then they brought Bianca back and had her fall in love with a dude. Sure, he was a pre-op transsexual so, eventually, it would be a fully lesbian relationship. But the symbolism of the thing was not lost on the gay audience. Nor was McTavish’s obvious attempt to present only one option for Zarf and Bianca’s shipper name: “Barf”. God, I hate that woman.

The shipper name for Luke and Noah is “Nuke” and it’s as fitting as it could be. A bomb has gone off in daytime. This is the most buzzed about story ATWT has told in, well, maybe ever. New fans show up on the message boards every day, drawn in or pulled back to the show by this story alone. The video of Noah kissing Luke was the first or second most watched video on YouTube the weekend after it aired. This is the kind of attention-magnet story soaps have been looking for since Genie Francis left GH the fist time. And thanks to the fantastic and dedicated work of poster LukeVanFan, the entire story from the first meet-cute (or meet-cranky, as the case may be) on has been compiled on YouTube for newbies to catch up or stalwarts to relive. And that is, in itself, a bit revolutionary. With YouTube, fans can watch this story, and only this story, without having to deal with Meg whining inaudibly about Paul or Katie acting like a shrill harpy with no sense of her own past (where the hell she gets off acting holier-than-thou to Carly IN FRONT OF HOLDEN, I have no idea.). If the higher-ups were smart, they would start repacking their shows on their own websites, scene by scene, story by story, so newcomers can quickly catch up on the things that confuse them. Or maybe it’s better that it comes from the fans in the relative democracy of YouTube. The simple act of seeking this stuff out on the net gives a sense of ownership and investment beyond simply watching the show at 1:00 every afternoon.

This is the first time in a long time I have tuned into a soap for a story, not an event or sweeps stunt, but a story. I don’t want to just catch up with what happened using recaps on the net. I want to see every beat of this tale play out and I feel a long-missing sense of giddiness to watch on days when I know Luke and Noah will be featured. I don’t want to be too hyberbolic here, but I’ve been drifting away from daytime for a while now (spurred on by the ABC shows, which are in my DNA, all running headlong off a cliff). This story is single-handedly saving daytime for me. This is what this medium is about: Real people, in real situations, desperately falling in love. No amount of supernatural shenanigans, mob violence, or weather-related stunt work can compete with a simple, well-told love story. Part of the reason I am loving this story relates to the gay thing, sure, but another part is that it’s simply well-told regardless of sexual orientation.

And now we come to the things that are great about this story. And there’s only one place to start: Van Hansis. Dude has serious chops. Scenes with him fill me with the same bittersweet feeling I used to get from Sarah Michelle Geller or Sarah Brown: Enjoy this while it lasts. He is able to imbue Luke with so many layers: decency, longing, sadness, hope, anger, remorse. And he consistently brings humor, either overt or veiled, to his dialogue. See his smirking at Noah’s Dad when the Colonel was yelling at him about what “his kind” do. He did great work last summer as Luke came out to his parents. And while that story became a little histrionic (Jade’s manipulations, Lily’s tumble, Damien and the death camp of heterosexuality) Hansis’s performance (and those around him, especially Jon Hensley’s scared, compassionate Holden) kept everything moving in both senses of the word. But now he has stepped up into the role of romantic lead and is continuing to stun me with his talent.

And that’s one of the great things about this story: Luke is the lead. This isn’t a piece of Lily’s story or part of a larger umbrella plot, this is about Luke. Normally, if the gay character was the lead, we would see a story like this from the Noah character’s perspective. Luke, the hot, young, out guy, would be the complication forcing Noah to choose to be himself or live a lie. And while all of that is going on, it’s Luke we are rooting for. It’s his happiness we as viewers care about most. We’ve watched him grow up, discover himself, face rejection and now we want him to be happy. Instead of focusing on Noah and letting his own ambivalence about his sexuality stand in for the audience’s, the lead of the story is the out and proud man. And that is awesome. This isn’t Bianca and her random day player friends from “the youth center” or “the bar” who were all Pride-Parade out in contrast to her own wishy-washiness. Luke is out, everyone knows he’s out, everyone in town is okay with it. And when the relationship does come to light, the town is not going to see Luke as the interloper, they are going to see him as a victim, just as much as Maddie, of Noah’s desperate desire to live up to his father.

Not to say that Noah is being presented as the villain here. He most certainly is not. The villain is his father. But Noah is certainly an antagonist both in leading Luke on and in promising things to Maddie he can’t deliver. While he’s a lot greener than Hansis or Chando, Jake Silbermann is doing a very good job of showing all of Noah’s feelings. Neither of these guys is trying to subtly tell the audience, “I’m not really like this. All this kissing boys is gross” like a lot of actors would do. When Noah looks at Luke, we feel the desire, the longing, the pain. Whether Silbermann is gay or not is immaterial, but Noah never seems anything less than gay and in pain over that fact.

Alex Chando is also doing fantastic work. She’s got a hard job. Obviously, the rooting factor in this relationship has to be Luke and Noah. Maddie is the complication, the other woman. But she’s carefully walking a line to show us that while Maddie cares about Noah and wants to be with him, it’s ultimately not about Noah. She just, as she told her brother Henry, wants someone to buy furniture with. It’s all about her pain at losing Casey and her longing for companionship. It makes it okay for us to root for the boys to get together while also making us feel bad for Maddie. But she never seems like the innocent victim of those two evil gay dudes. She has her own responsibility in this mess and she knows it.

Originally I was disappointed that we weren’t going to get any scenes of Noah and Luke hotly sneaking around, having an affair behind Maddie’s back. But the writers made the right call there. As scorching as that would have been, Luke would never do that to Maddie (nor would Noah for that matter). Ultimately, Maddie wasn’t in the dark for very long and now we can move on to the meat of the story, no pun intended, the inevitable coming together of Luke and Noah.

Except -- and there’s always an except in daytime – for Noah’s homophobic, violent abusive wretch of a father. At first I thought this story was going in a Chris Cooper in American Beauty direction, where Noah’s courage would finally force his father out of the closet. But now it looks like he’s a murderer, so that’s off. I hope this part of the story doesn’t go too far off the rails (I can deal with Luke having an “accident” at the hands of the Colonel, just no comas. Enough with the comas.) And while the senior Mayer has morphed into a stock villain, Daniel Hugh Kelly needs to be praised for bringing needed depth to the role. We know what the ending will be here: Noah will accept himself, Luke and Noah will deflower each other in the Snyder barn, Colonel Mayer will be hauled off to prison. But Kelly brings both a sense of real menace to the proceedings as well as clear motivation. He’s not just a homophobe, he’s controlling in the worst way and terrified of anything out of the ordinary. I have a feeling we are going to find a lot out about this guy in the future and he’s just going to get creepier and creepier. If they had to go this route with the bad guy in the story, I’m glad they had the sense to cast a real actor to do it. By the way, Kelly is becoming the go-to guy for parents of gay kids on daytime as he previously played Bianca’s accepting, though dead, father Travis on AMC.

The last actor I want to single out (and this is no slight to Martha Byrne, who cracked my shit up as she slowly caught on to Luke and Noah’s relationship in Emma’s kitchen) is Trent Dawson. Henry has long been a favorite character of mine. He originally came on as the Addison DeWitt to Katie’s Eve Herrington and I am, of course, naturally disposed to love anyone playing the Addison DeWitt character. Over the years he has morphed into a comic and romantic lead (after spending a few years in an asexual wasteland between straight and gay). His scenes with Colonel Mayer have been both funny and creepy as he subtly tested the army man after one too many comments about Noah hanging around with “the wrong people”. The choice in both the writing and Dawson’s performance to have Henry gently bring his suspicions up to Maddie softened the blow to her character and kept the story grounded in honesty. There was no overdramatic Friday cliffhanger scene where Maddie walks in on the two guys doing at it. She simply figured it out for herself, got confirmation from Luke and told Noah he had hurt her. No one swore eternal revenge. It was just a couple of sweet brother/sister scenes to ease Maddie through the truth.

My biggest problem with ATWT right now (along with the horrendous sound editing) is that each story exists in a kind of island. Characters don’t connect (Carly and Rosanna have had one scene since Ro woke up from coma, for instance). The fact that the Nuke story is bumping up against the Cheri mystery is a good sign. But, on the other hand, it is so refreshing to see a gay story told on daytime where the entire town isn’t asked to weigh in. Yes, the Billy story was an umbrella story and that worked. But remember when Michael Delaney came out on AMC? That story tore Pine Valley apart and ended with a freaking assassination and the death of Laurel. Everyone in town had an opinion on Bianca, too. It’s just great that we’ve finally reached a stage where the producers don’t feel the need to give the bigots in the audience a voice. It nearly ruined Clint on OLTL to be put in that position. Seeing Lily struggle with acceptance seems to have been enough. The debate about whether it’s okay to be gay on soaps seems to be over. Now we can tell some actual stories beyond coming out.

In a lot of ways, this is the story I’ve been waiting for on daytime my whole life (at least after accepting my sexuality). Luke’s experience coming out felt similar to my own. He figured it out pretty quickly and the issue was in telling his family, not in accepting it himself. Now to see him falling in love and having that story told so sensitively gives me hope for the future of this medium. But it’s not even about the gay thing, really. It’s about finally seeing a story grounded in reality, full of real-life choices and believable characters. Soaps have gone so far out into the stratosphere in terms of luring back viewers that they have lost the ability to tell the kind of simple young love stories that my generation fell in love with them for in the first. I saw one poster who said this was the best love story he or she had scene since the heyday of Greg and Jenny on AMC. And I can’t really disagree. There’s a basic, barebones quality to it that is so refreshing these days. I hope it ushers in not just an explosion of gay stories on soaps (the gay audience is loyal and a constant number, the bigot audience is fickle and dwindling) but a return to the kind of simple, domestic storytelling soaps were built on.

There’s always a fear in daytime that the writers or the suits will chicken out on a story like this. But so far, they have given us very little reason for concern. If you’re not watching the story yet, I urge you to do so (see the clip below for some enticement). And if you are watching the story, sit back, relax, and enjoy the best story daytime has told in a very long time.

The Return of the Jill and Megan Sessions

I used to do a series of dialogue thingys featuring Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producer of General Hospital and Megan McTavish, recently fired Head Writer of All My Children. I've been feeling the urge to write one again, so here it is. I plan this to be the first in a new series.

The Jill and Megan Sessions

The End

A phone rings.

JILL: Yello.

ASSISTANT: Ms. Phelps, I have Megan McTavish for you.

JILL: Ugh. Tell her I’m in a meeting.

ASSISTANT: Um…I already said you were in before she told me who it was. I think she was doing a voice.

JILL: Fine. But I’m going to need-

ASSISTANT: Cherry or Regular, ma’am?

JILL: Regular. But get some Schweppes’ Bitter Lemon to cut it with.

ASSISTANT: Of course, ma’am. Connecting you now.

JILL: Meg! It’s so great to hear from you!

MEGAN: Cut the crap, Phelps. I need a job. You signed a blood oath when I became an FOJ. I slaughtered a calf for you, lady. Get me a job.

JILL: Now I remember why I never mix Peyote and Robitussin.

MEGAN: Phelps!

JILL: Look, what can I tell you, Meg? Frons is done with you. P&G has never forgiven either of us for killing Maureen.

MEGAN: I DIDN’T KILL MAUREEN! I KILLED NADINE. Jesus.

JILL: Well? They hate us.

MEGAN: It was Hitchcockian!

JILL: It was crap, Megan. Ric Hearst still turns purple at the mention of your name.

MEGAN: You said it was brilliant!

JILL: I was high!

MEGAN: You’re always high!

JILL: No, I’m always employed.

MEGAN: Bitch. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I love the fact that you finally get to be the EP of a top-rated show and the leading man won’t even take his shirt off. I mean, the irony is so rich.

JILL: As long as we are clearing the air I just want to say that resurrecting a cryogenically stored Stavros Cassadine is the stupidest story I’ve ever seen.

MEGAN: That was your idea, Jill. That was all you. I wanted Laura’s heretofore unmentioned sister and her white trash daughter to come and fuck half the town. Unfrozen Stavros was your idea. Remember we took that trip to Belize?

JILL: Right. My bad.

MEGAN: Look, Jill, I’m calling as your friend. The only one who knows where you keep that creepy life-size Kale Brown Real Doll. I need a favor. You know what my expenses are.

JILL: I thought you always wanted to start a business illegally importing tropical fish for sale on the black market? Do that.

MEGAN: Do you have any idea what the overhead is on that? Not to mention the travel? You know I hate meeting new people.

JILL: It wasn’t the most practical dream, was it?

MEGAN: It was not. Head Writing, that’s what I do. I want to rape virginal lesbians again, Jill.

JILL: I know, honey. But I can’t help. All I’m doing right now is keeping my head down and hoping no one notices I’m still here. It’s almost like Frons has finally lost his appetite for starlets. There’s a doom in the air here.

MEGAN: There’s always doom in the air there when Guza shows up. Has he revealed Steve Hardy to be a pedophile yet? Because you know it’s coming.

JILL: You unaborted Erica’s baby, Meg. I’m surprised Agnes hasn’t garroted you in an alley by now.

MEGAN: Seriously. She kept leaving these answering machine messages. You wouldn’t believe them. They were insane.

JILL: Like, Robin Strasser messages?

MEGAN: Worse. Much worse. Words I didn’t even think women of her generation knew. In combinations that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Several things she threatened to do to me I had to Google just to figure out.

JILL: Don’t piss her off. You got the same warning when you started that I did.

MEGAN: You have to help me.

JILL: I can’t. Look. Hold on for a second.

Click

ASSISTANT: Yes, Ms. Phelps.

JILL: I need you to get Brian Frons on the phone for me right away. Tell him we finally have a role for Eris Hershey Presley.

ASSISTANT: Yes ma’am.

After a moment.

Brian: Jill, this better be important. Rosie drew horns on a picture of Elisabeth again. The crying. Dear God, the crying.

JILL: McTavish won’t leave me alone. She wants a job and I think she’ll resort to blackmail if she has to and neither of us can afford that.

BRIAN: All right. I was afraid of this. Didn’t want to have to take care of two, but I’ll do it. She won’t bother you again.

JILL: Brian, you’re not going to, like, whack her or something?

BRIAN: Of course not. She’ll live out a long and healthy life in paradise. But it’s what we have to do sometimes. Sometimes someone just needs to go away. I’ve already said too much. Just tell her we may have a job for her on a SoapNet project. Schedule a meeting with her and me next week.

JILL: And what will we tell her then?

BRIAN: Oh, she won’t be coming to the meeting.

JILL: Okay.

BRIAN: Bye, Jill.

Click

JILL: Hello, Megan.

MEGAN: I thought you were just keeping me on hold until I hung up.

JILL: I was talking to Frons. He said to bring him a pitch for a SoapNet series. Like the thing we’re doing with Robin Scorpio naked on the posters.

MEGAN: Really?

JILL: Yeah.

MEGAN: Thank you so much, Jill.

JILL: Of course. I need to go now, Meg.

MEGAN: Of course. Thank you.

JILL: Sure…and Megan. I love you.

MEGAN: Okay. Bye.

JILL: Goodbye.

MEGAN: Well, I guess I better start coming up with some stories, hmmm, guys?

CHORUS OF SEVENTEEN CATS: Meow?

MEGAN: What do you think? Llanview After Dark. Evangeline opens a Blues Club. We meet her long lost blonde sister. And I’ll bring Troy MacIver back.

Megan does not hear the window opening or the soft thwoosh of the dart.

MEGAN: Ow.

Megan falls to the floor. Some time later she wakes up, the quiet roar of the surf behind her, sand beneath her.

MEGAN: Whuh…Where am I?

Megan looks up at the sandy beach. A grove of palm trees sways in the distance. She sees no one.

MEGAN: Hello! Can anyone hear me! What the fuck? Am I dreaming? Is that why I am talking to myself? That’s it. I’m having one of the freako James Reilly dreams.

DENA: Megan? Is that you? Where the hell are we?

MEGAN: Dena? Dena Higley?

DENA: Yeah. I just woke up here down the beach a ways. What happened?

MEGAN: I don’t know. I was just at home and I felt something in my neck and now I’m here.

DENA: Same here. I was working on one of my series oil paintings.

MEGAN: The one’s where major feminist figures through history are torturing Trevor St. John?

DENA: Yes. This one featured Joan of Arc and a Catherine wheel.

MEGAN: Neat. So, you just…

DENA: Felt a sting. And then I was here.

MEGAN: But where is here?

DENA: I have no idea.

MEGAN: Wait? What’s that? That piece of wood nailed to that tree?

DENA: I don’t know. Let’s go see it.

MEGAN: “Welcome to…” What are those words?

DENA: I don’t know….”SPILLIH PANRI”

MEGAN: What is that? Swahili?

DENA: I don’t think so.

A male voice softly oozes in behind them.

PAUL: Ladies! There’s nothing to worry about!

Megan and Dena turn to see a tall older gentleman wearing a fine white linen suit and a Panama hat.

MEGAN: Paul? Paul Rauch?

PAUL: Yes, Megan. Welcome. You, too, Dena.

DENA: What is this place?

PAUL: It’s my island. It’s a resort of sorts, for people like yourselves.

MEGAN: Like us?

PAUL: Exactly like you. Now, my assistant Wes here will escort you to your bungalows.

MEGAN: Wait, what is going on? What the hell is this? Where are we?

PAUL: My dears, welcome to the Island of Wayward Head Writers.

Megan and Dena exchange looks.

PAUL: Now, come.

MEGAN: Paul, I want to go home.

PAUL: You are home, my dear. Please, follow me. Everyone is so excited to see you. I hear Harding even made some of his famous ambrosia salad. There’s no use fighting it, ladies.

DENA: What do we do, Megan?

MEGAN: I don’t know. I guess we follow him.

PAUL: Good. Wes, I want Dena in the Pointless Sweeps Stunt Suite and Megan in the Unnecessary Retcon Villa. You’re going to love it here, ladies. I promise.

With one last look, Megan and Dena follow Wes Kenney into the jungle. Paul pulls out a satellite phone.

PAUL: Frons. They’re here.

BRIAN: Excellent.

PAUL: What shall I tell them about the Others?

BRIAN: Tell them nothing. The safety of the island is too important to trust to those two nutbars. Just play it exactly as we planned it.

PAUL: Yes, sir.

BRIAN: And, Paul?

PAUL: Yes?

BRIAN: Keep an eye on Agnes. She’s liable to do something rash.

PAUL: I’ve got Tomlin on it.

BRIAN: Excellent.

DENA: I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Megan.

MEGAN: Just stick close to me. We’ll get through this.

Jill’s phone rings.

JILL: Hello.

BRIAN: It’s done.

JILL: Thank you. Any chance you can…

BRIAN: Guza stays, Jill. Those glasses scare the crap out of me.

JILL: Fine. Where is she?

BRIAN: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

To be continued…

Let the Big Dog Out

I’ve been circling around my next political post for a while now, since before I wrote about Lieberman. To be plain, I want to say some stuff. I read a lot of other blogs and news sites; I am a member of the vast left wing blogging conspiracy. I’m one of those “folks” who thinks Iraq was a colossal act of hubris and folly. I think September 11th was the hardest single blow this country has taken since the Civil War. And I think its aftermath has been bungled obscenely by nearly every public figure who has come near it save Ted Koppel, Jon Stewart and maybe George Clooney and the Hollywood types. I think we are, to quote the old curse, living in interesting times. And I think, for the first time in quite a while, we are starting to peek our heads out from under our desks and realize that duck and cover was a ridiculous strategy in the Atomic Age and isn’t much better in the Internet Age. I think we are finally ready to have a real conversation on things, to stop listening to the fear-mongers and the purity policemen, to truly take stock of the crazy places our grief has lead us. We re-elected that moron! Will there ever be any sense to that? But, I digress. I have hope today. And it’s not just because Lieberman lost the primary. It’s not because George Allen has hung himself with his own white supremacist noose. It’s not because The Democrats are polling greatly on the generic ballots. It’s all of those things, but it’s something else: Bill Clinton now has a 70% approval rating. Thought it would be bigger? Well, to me, that’s huge. The best kept secret in the media is that Bill Clinton ended his presidency as a popular guy. In fact, his ratings went up during the entire impeachment saga. And, hell, he wasn’t a bad President. He presided over a vast technological boom (not his doing, but he didn’t fuck it up). Crime rates went down, teen pregnancies went down. Interest rates went down. A lot of things went down during the Clinton years. And yet we were all yanked by the collars and placed in front of only one. It was atrocious. It was a criminal waste of resources and time. It was salacious and gross and un-Democratic (and un-Christian). Bill Clinton committed an offense: he lied under oath about a sexual liaison. It was wrong. It’s a crime. But it is not an impeachable offense. You know what is an impeachable offense? Lying to Congress. Having your agents lie to Congress. Disclosing classified identities to the public and endangering field agents. Setting up what amounts to a front company for cronyism in the gutted remains of the organization intended to help the most helpless in times of greatest crisis. Oh, and the war thing. And the thing where they set up what are basically internment camps for an entire group of citizens, then proceeded to piss on their faith and subject them to torture and completely strip them of first their humanity and then their will to live. And I’m speaking, of course, about the plight of Congressional Democrats. The secret prison thing is much, much worse. But this is supposed to be about Bill Clinton. This is supposed to be about hope, not just a simple recounting of the various types and quantity of shit we find ourselves in. It’s just, it’s some funky ass shit. Five more years of this crap and the only way out will be a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Things are bad. But not so long ago, things were much, much better. Remember at the end of Clinton’s Presidency where he made that last, hubristic attempt to really affect a change in Palestine? Remember how there was a humanitarian crisis in Kosovo and we bombed a bit and restored order and had no combat fatalities? Remember how we had so much money the driving question of the 2000 campaign was what, exactly to do with it. And Gore was the ant, who wanted to store it away and protect our future and Bush was the grasshopper who just wanted to let everyone have an extra slice of pie? Except for those making more than 1,000,000 a year, who were to be given entire bakeries? Remember how even though Bush was promising lollipops and rainbows (which are a symbol of God’s covenant) Gore still won the damn election? Well, he did. (And I think he will again, but that’s another entry.) So, right away, Bush set about piddling away the surplus. And fucking up a tense situation with China. And that thing where he was so uncompromising that a member of his own party quit and joined the other side. And then It happened. And instead of grieving with us, instead of searching ourselves and making any attempt to figure out why someone could be so mad at us, without even bothering to take a moment to figure out how it happened or talk about how best to stop it, we just ran over to the Middle East and started shooting at folks. I’m not saying we didn’t have a right to be angry, I’m not saying that we should not have gone to Afghanistan. I’m not saying, in any way, shape, or form that we should have apologized to the terrorists or pitied them. There were evil, they acted with evil intent and therefore forfeit any right to negotiate terms with anyone, anywhere. But, maybe, we could have talked about finding ways to reach out to the Islamic world, to take away the policies that were allowing terrorists to recruit more people? To maybe not give the terrorists the exact stature and power they had been asking for? That would have been a good conversation to have. It’s one Al Gore would probably have had. Clinton, too. Hell, Bush I and Reagan would never simply attack a country adjacent to the source of the crime using phony charges and discredited intelligence. At least I don’t think any of them would have done that. They had too much respect for our troops. But then George W. Bush’s terms in office have given me a far too nostalgic and rosy view of previous administrations. How could it not? Bush is bad, Mark. We get it. I know. But Clinton was better. And now it really feels like people are getting that. The old Rovian tricks aren’t working as well as they were before (thank God for Jon Stewart). Gay Marriage doesn’t cause the panic in the streets it did two years ago. (Many people are waking up to the fact that whether or not gay people can marry has little to no effect on their own marriages for good or ill. And the ones who cry about the children are looking to more and more people like the intolerant ninnies they are. I’m looking at you, Hasselbeck.) The Clinton Era is starting to take on a bit of a glow. And even the blow job incident is seen as the petty, ridiculous Republican jerk-off session it was. (To the “Yeah, but…” people: Yeah, he lied under oath. Grow up. There are worse things in the world for a President to do than not tell a court during a specious case that he cheated on his wife. Rule of Law? Meet Warrantless Wiretaps.) It’s time for us to embrace Clinton. I don’t agree with the guy some of the time. He’s more moderate than I am and his electoral theories have had their day. But, as a symbol of a better time, a time with more prosperity, more peace and, let’s face it, more protection from terror, he works. Things were better then. And he was a Democrat. I long for a day when I can respect the Republican Party again. But not today. The stench of cynicism and corruption drifts off them like formaldehyde from a mortician. When there is more than one voice in the party, more than one sound byte, more than one idea, I will respect them again. When they emerge from the puritanical pit Karl Rove and Ralph Reed have mired them in, I will listen to them again. And when conservatives are allowed to actually be conservatives again AND have a progressive sense of civil rights I might consider voting for one again. But for now, the only hope we have is the Democrats. No third party will work. No quixotic quest to unite us under one moderate banner will lead us to victory. Now is the time for us to be ourselves. And that means saying what we think, disagreeing sometimes and agreeing others. It means reaching for compromise without sacrificing everything to win a vote or an election. It means we need to dream big and stop cowering from the specter of the idiot in the flight suit. And Clinton’s legacy is still under attack. Unlike most Democrats, the idiots in charge of the GOP are not ambivalent about Bill Clinton. They hate him. They hate him for trying to govern, for using republican ideas when he felt he should, for beating Bush Sr. even though they threw ever kind of mud they could find at him. And they hate him because in him they see themselves, all those pesky contradictions and failings that make us human. Even now Rush Limbaugh’s good friend was allowed to write and air on the ABC Network a miniseries advertised as the true story of the causes of 9/11. The various fallacies and slanders have been well-documented on other sites. But I was so proud of President Clinton and the other members of his administration for standing up to the slander and doing what they could to try and get the thing pulled. Ultimately, though, the thing got pretty crappy ratings. And people heard what a distortion it was. And a big part of that was because the Big Dog got involved. So, here’s what I think: let’s keep letting Bill get involved. We need an attack dog this cycle, someone to point out the myriad reasons the current administration and leadership in Congress is wrong and dangerous. But our candidates need to focus on selling themselves and talking about the future. Bill Clinton can talk about the past and remind people how much better things used to be. President Clinton should be doing (and be allowed to do) what John Kerry has been trying to do: be the Democrat-In-Chief, the one not facing an election who can really take it to Bushco. He may see for himself a Carter-like ex-Presidency, but the Bushies will never let him have it. He will not be given the statesman label he desires. So I say this to him: Stop trying for it, Mr. President. Get your hands dirty. Stand up to them. You alone have the stature at home and abroad to get the word out. Be visible, be vocal. And don’t worry how if affects Hilary’s chances in 2008. We are not going to nominate her. Even those of us who love her unconditionally think she is too political, too mannered and too calculating to be an effective campaigner or chief executive. (She would make a fantastic Majority Leader, though.) The best way to ensure your legacy and make the most of your ex-Presidency is to stop trying to stay above the fray. Get into it; it’s what you’re best at. The American people need Democratic leadership now, so bring your leadership to the Democrats. We have always been the true Big Tent party. We are the party that welcomes people of all faiths and people of no faith. Over the last 25 years, the GOP has been increasingly hijacked by a small group of fundamentalist Christians who have used their power to attempt to legislate their own narrow view of morality. Their ultimate vision is a theocratic state built on the strict, fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible to which they ascribe. But the Bible is not a governing document. Nothing that contradicts itself so much can be used as law. And that’s not a dig on the Good Book. The spirit of Christianity, the very spirit of God, lies in those inconsistencies and parables. To say there is only one interpretation of God’s word is like saying you know the mind of God. Yet the entire thesis of the Book is that we can’t know. God is too big for us. To try and govern from scripture as if we know God’s plan is hubristic and, quite frankly, unchristian. The quickest way to protect religion, to allow people to live as they see fit, is to keep the Church and State wholly separate. It’s not so much for the State’s sake as it is for the Church’s. This continent was settled as a place free of religious tyranny, a place where people could practice religion as they saw fit. And it was settled by many sects and faiths, not just the Puritans. Yet the movement in fundamentalist circles seems to be toward a completely Puritanical existence, frozen in time against scientific advance and social change. And if that movement were to succeed, it would doom us as a society as the rest of the world went on improving and growing and advancing without us. But of course, the true vision of people like James Dobson of Focus on the Family can never come to pass. The rest of us outnumber them so greatly that all we really need to do is stand up, en masse, and they will crumble. Now is the time to stand up. We need change in this country. But in many cases, we need to return to where we were. There are things about the Clinton Era that we need to embrace. We need a renewed interest in technology and the environment and an understanding that the two need not be enemies to one another. We need a sensible foreign policy that focuses on diplomacy and understanding, not a will to remake the world by force. We need a government tolerant to diversity in all its forms, not one that pays lip service to culture to win votes and then legislates a myopic doctrine. We need programs that encourage educational innovation, not ones that focus solely on test scores as false idols of accountability. And we need leadership that can speak in complete sentences. I truly believe we are on the cusp of a great change in this country. The far Right have had their day and in nearly every instance they have failed. The Left is about to get a turn. Our moment is arriving and we need to prepare for it. And one of the things we need to do is finally reconcile with Bill Clinton. He disappointed us: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Health Care Reform, Lewinsky. But, you know what? He tried. And we need to give him more credit for that. His Third Way accomplished more than we’ve had since Johnson. Now, I do not advocate a return to his moderate policies; I think we can go further. But we shouldn’t vilify him for what he tried. He has a place in American History, one that will improve as time goes on. And he can mean something great if we let him. He was a Democrat and he did good. That should be the message: “Look what we can do when we have to deal with a hostile Congress and a manufactured scandal. Imagine what we could do if you really let us go.” The Democratic Party is never going to go insane with liberalism. We’re too disparate and contentious for that. But we always mean well. If we govern without cynicism, without worrying so much about electoral math and opinion polls and really focus on helping to make the country a better place for it’s citizens (private AND corporate), then we’ll win. It’s been a tough last few decades. We’ve been bullied and bruised and cowed and marginalized. But that’s about to change. The Republicans have bungled their every opportunity. It is incumbent upon us to recognize the moment, seize it, and make the best choices we can. We need to stop worrying about being called liberal or anti-religion. Liberal is not a bad word and separating church and state is the most pro-religion stance possible. But we won’t get there by continuing to apologize for our existence, by shaking our heads when Clinton is mentioned because we think that’s what America wants to hear. It doesn’t. It wants to hear: we’re working on making it better. Let’s stop being afraid to attack bad ideas AND offer better ones. If someone calls us liberal, say, “if liberal is the opposite of what you are, than a liberal is what I am”. But don’t get bogged down in semantics and labels. Get bogged down in ideas, in implementation, in healthy compromise. Stop trying to appear moderate and just do what you think is best. And let’s not be afraid to say that Bill Clinton was both a good President and a good Democrat. Most of the country is already there and they’ll appreciate it when we agree with them. It might go a long way to show them how many other things we agree upon.

So Long, Joe (I hope)

Tomorrow, the voters of Connecticut will go to the polls. The race for the Democratic nomination for Senate has taken on a weight that very few primaries do. In fact, very few non-Presidential races hold the kind of portent of the race between incumbent Joe Lieberman and challenger, businessman Ned Lamont. Most times, a primary challenge to a sitting Senator, one elected comfortably three times and, in fact a former nominee for Vice President, would usually be a local issue. The rest of the country would shrug as the incumbent swatted away the fly and went about his business. But this one is different. For one, the incumbent is Fox News correspondent Joe Lieberman. For another, we’re mired in a costly and disastrous war abroad. (And another slightly less costly, slightly less disastrous other war abroad. Just think for a minute, it will come to you). But mainly, this race is important because George W. Bush is still residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

I had always liked Joe Lieberman. I was underwhelmed when Gore chose him to be his running mate in 2000. But then, it was the Gore campaign. Underwhelming was the order of the day. But Joe always seemed to be a decent guy. He was moderate, but he also seemed reasoned and principled. It’s sad that we have learned he is neither of those things. Somewhere along the way from defeating incumbent Lowell Weiker in 1988 and the re-election of George Bush, Joe became just another shady politician, too concerned with protecting his own little fiefdom to truly listen to his constituents. In fact, even after a blistering primary challenge, he still refuses to hear what Connecticut voters are saying: “We understand that you support the war in Iraq, Senator. We don’t. And we’re the boss.” His response to his constituents has simply been to ignore them and go back to making out with President Bush, usually figuratively, but occasionally literally.

So, it’s time for Joe to go. I don’t know as much about Ned Lamont as I do Joe, but what I know I like. He’s not a career politician. And while I don’t necessarily think that is always a selling point, in this case it is. He’s against the war, supports choice and doesn’t think the government has any business regulating who I choose to love. Joe is for the war, says he’s pro choice but opposes protections for young incest and rape victims seeking abortions. And he’s one of those “one man and one woman” people who can’t seem to understand what decade they are living in.

But, at the end of the day, they both have a “D” next to their name. Both would vote for Harry Reid as Majority Leader. Why do I care? Because it’s not enough to say you’re a Democrat in this day and age, you have to act like one. And somewhere along the way, Joe stopped. His initial support for the war can be forgiven. Many Democrats voted for it including John Kerry. President Clinton supported it. But it is one thing to support the war and quite another to act as President Bush’s mouthpiece, appearing on Fox News to rally support, walking in lockstep with the administration and refuses to admit, just like the Commander in Chief, that there have been any mistakes. Senator Lieberman has even come out in support of Donald Rumsfeld, pretty much marking himself as the only person outside the administration who doesn't think he’s a dangerous, senile loon.

This isn't a case, as many DC insiders have alleged, of a party purification based on idealogy. The Democratic Party really is the party of the Big Tent. The liberal blogosphere and the grass roots it has risen from is place for many ideas, some conflicting, some complementary. We are a party who can agree to disagree on a great many points. But there is one point which we must all agree on: George W. Bush is dangerous and wrong. You don't have to vote lockstep with Congressional leadership. You don't necessarily have to be pro-choice (see our candidate to defeat Santorum in PA, Bob Casey). You don't have to have the same opinion on gay marriage (virtually no one does). And you don't have to oppose military force in the Middle East (though agreement that Iraq is not going well is pretty necessary as it shows you have eyes and ears and they work). All we should have to agree on as a party is that America is moving in the wrong direction and George W. Bush and his cronies in Congress are the primary reasons. That's it. It's called being an oppositon party. But Joe is not willing to oppose the President, regardless of what his constituents in farily liberal Connecticut want. That's why I want to see him defeated. Senator Lamont will be a voice against the war; one more Democrat willing to back up his votes with words and action, not appeasement. And he will actually listen to his constituents.

This race is up to the people of Connecticut. And if Lieberman wins, I will support him as the party’s nominee in the General (we need those “D”s.) But I for one fervently hope that Ned Lamont wins tomorrow. And I also hope than when he does, Joe will read the signs his voters are giving him and abandon his petulant, Quixotic attempt to win in the general as an Independent candidate (In the ridiculously named Lieberman for Connecticut Party. Dude, you can't put your own name in the name of your party.) The very idea shows exactly how out of touch with his voters he has become. If you are defeated, accept it, Joe. And go back to campaigning for the job you really want: Secretary of Defense. God knows you’d be better there than its current occupant. But, then, the only person less competent to lead the Defense Department than Don Rumsfeld is his boss.

He’s the real enemy, Joe. And if you can’t see that, if you can’t look back on the last six years and not roil with anger over how much better things would be with you and Al instead of Dick and George. If you can stand idly by while they destroy our civil liberties, our military, our international reputation and take a collective shit on the Constitution and the Separation of Powers, then not only can you no longer call yourself a Democrat, you shouldn’t call yourself an American, either.

The Joementum is gone. Long live the Nedrenaline.

We Can't Follow If You Stop Leading, Amy

It's official. Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband, Daniel Palladino, are stepping down as Executive Producers and show runners of Gilmore Girls. I was sad when Aaron Sorkin and Tommy Schlamme left The West Wing. I was a-scared when Joss Whedon turned over most of Buffy to Marti Noxon. But I'm not sad or scared right now. I'm pissed. It seems that Amy and Dan were angling for a two-year deal and balked at the $5 Million they were offered for one more. Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel are only contracted for one more season, Rory will graduate from Yale next year and the show is running out of steam. There was NO reason for them to push for two more years. It reeks of greed. I've become more and more annoyed by the show over the course of this season. Last season, with Lorelai and Luke's courtship and Rory's slow disintegration was great TV and maintained the sharp wit and emotional honesty that I love about the show ("You and me, we're through" was brilliant fucking television.) But this season has seen the introduction of a moppet in the form of Luke's long lost daughter, the 7th Heaven quickie marriage of Lane and Zack and the continued presence of the odious Logan. Even Paris finally went over the top and it pains me to speak ill of Liza Weil. I've held my tongue and given the show time to make me understand the introduction of April or to see Logan's good qualities. It ain't happening. I'm nostalgic for Jess, for godsakes. I love this show and have since the first season. And, let's be honest, I'm going to keep watching. (I came back to the West Wing even after Josh yelled at the Capitol building after all). But my faith in the Palladinos has been shaken by the writing this season and my admiration for them has been destroyed by their greedy decision. Shows have a lifespan. And seven years is the average for the great ones. Buffy, West Wing, Star Trek: TNG - they all knew when to quit. And Rory leaving Yale is the best time for this show to end. Why are the show's creators the only ones who don't see that? Amy and Dan, you were offered 5 million dollars. I mean, come on. I feel a little like something has died today and it sucks. Almost as much as Logan.

Veronica Mars - "Never Mind the Buttocks"

We’re getting close to the end of the season on Veronica Mars and that means the clues are flying at us fast. Here is my list of suspects in the bus crash mystery and my theories as to if they could have done it and potential motives. I’ll be back each week to update it.

Aaron Echolls
His motive: Get rid of the chief witness against him, Veronica Mars.
His means: He’s in jail, but we know hew as tight with the late Curly who certainly could have caused the bush crash. However, Curly seemed pretty innocent when Weevil was beating him up. Also, it’s a long way to go to bump off a witness and Aaron would really have no reason to try and get the rich kids off the bus.

Woody Goodman
Motive: Unknown. However, he’s extremely skeevy and many are speculating he’s a pedophile. Were his victims on the bus? Or was his daughter the intended victim? And someone was blackmailing him. The fact that we know so little at this point means we’re definitely going to find out more closer to the end of the season. If I were laying odds, I’d give him the best at this point. He’s a powerful man with a lot of connections. Plus, it would follow the theme of former 80’s stars as the culprits, which may be the best argument for his innocence.

Gia Goodman
Motive: Who the Hell knows, but she’s been on an awful lot and maybe her ditziness is hiding something far more sinister. More likely that she was the target, however.

Logan Echolls
We’ve been hearing him described as a sociopath for two years. Maybe there’s more truth to it than we’ve been led to believe. He did tell Veronica “goodbye” before she got on the bus in an eerily final way. Did he cause the accident to kill Veronica for jilting him or to help his Dad or both? To punish the poor kids in the escalating class war? To bump Dick and Beaver off while working with Kendall? I doubt Logan is the culprit (Jason Dohring is far too charismatic and Logan is far too important to lose the character). But it would make for a shocking and buzzworthy reveal. And it would certainly mess with Veronica’s head.

The Fitzpatricks
These guys seem to have their hands in a lot of pies. It’s clear they were responsible, with Thumper, for Felix’s murder and they certainly had access to the C-4. But why rig a bus to blow up or crash in order to get one PCH-er. If they are involved, it’s as accomplices to the real big bad: Aaron, Kendall, Woody, etc.

The Mannings
This is the most left field option. We’ve only seen Meg’s parents a couple of times, but they’ve always seemed extremely creepy. And the casting of Geoffrey Pierson as the father could be a sign that he’s coming back in a major way (he was the President on 24 after all). Could the super-religious Mannings really cook up a plot to blow up a school bus? It’s a long shot. But would people with this perverse a sense of God really care about the deaths of the people on the bus? The driver and Ms. Dumas were both adulterers, the two boys were both gay and Bettina was, let’s just say, a loose woman. Plus Meg was not only pregnant out of wedlock but also trying to report them to CPS. They may have had an accomplice in Lucky, the creepy janitor we met last week. He was clearly the ringleader behind the burning-down of the pool (I think we can assume that’s where he was taking Logan when he interrupted Logan and Veronica). And he would want to get his friend Dick off the bus (Hell, maybe Dick was in on it, too.) One last thing. The alternate ending to the episode where Meg’s pregnancy was revealed was Meg’s mother smothering her with a pillow. As far as we know, this ending was never supposed to air and was shot exclusively as a publicity stunt. But what if Rob Thomas was tipping his hand just a teensy bit?

Kendall Casablancas
Right now she’s the most obvious choice and I’m sure we haven’t learned the last of her secrets. But if she wanted to cash in on the insurance policy on Dick and Beaver, why are they still alive? She’s had months to kill them if her first attempt failed. I think there are major reveals coming in regards to her and Beaver’s business and the deal she made with Aaron, but I just don’t think she’s the big bad.

Beaver Casablancas
Speculation is rampant that Beaver’s discomfort with intimacy stems from some sort of abuse, probably at the hands of Woody. Could Beaver have made a failed attempt at revenge that lead to the crash? It’s certainly possible. It’s also possible that he was one of the intended victims in the Woody theory. My guess is that there are big reveals coming regarding Beaver but that he is not the killer. He would make a pretty interesting and surprising one, though.

Dick Casablancas
There’s a reason Dick and Beaver were regulars this season. Is Dick smart enough to plan and execute the kind of complex plan required to orchestrate the bus crash? Doubtful. Could he have been an accomplice? Absolutely. He could fit into the Woody, Logan, Manning and Kendall theories as a helper. He is the one that got the kids off the bus and the one who gave his goody bag to Bettina.

Big Dick Casablancas
He wasn’t in jail yet and there was that huge life insurance policy out on the boys. But we haven’t seen him nearly enough this season to qualify as a suspect. Could he have been the target? Did someone try to kill the boys to hurt him? That may be more likely. Maybe he screwed over the Mannings on a real estate deal or something, too.

Terrence Cook
His motive, offing his crazy girlfriend, certainly makes sense. But he’s the prime suspect and he’s off the canvas after having been shot, so we can probably assume he’s innocent. Still, why was he breaking in to his ex’s parents’ house?

Jackie Cook
She’s a new character, Veronica has spent the season warming up to her and she’s certainly been acting suspicious lately (anyone think she’s really been accepted to the Sorbonne?). But what motive would she have? She could have done it to help her Dad out, but then why would she lead Veronica to the evidence against her Dad? I still think there are a couple more shoes waiting to drop regarding Jackie, I just don’t think she’s the killer. Could she be the one framing, or being forced to frame, Terrence? Now there’s an idea.

Jake and Celeste Kane
They really, really hate Veronica. But Kyle Secor is on another show and Duncan is gone. I really doubt Rob Thomas would go there.

Weevil/PCHers
Veronica’s Weevil theory last night certainly made sense, but so did his explanations. It would be a great twist for us to find out that our shady friend Weevil was really the big bad. But here’s why I just don’t think it’s him: After setting up Thumper, he went to confession and told the priest that it had been a long time since his last confession. Now, if he felt the need to confess for contributing to the death of a snake like Thumper, wouldn’t he have been doing a lot of confessing for killing 8 innocent people including his friend? I get a sense that we won’t have Weevil around next season, but I don’t think it’s because he’s the killer.

Now, there are a lot of unanswered questions and for the reveal to be satisfying, we need to get answers to all of the following:

• What was Curly up to? Why did he have Veronica’s name on his hand? Who killed him?
• What’s the deal with Aaron’s Oscar? If it had Lilly’s blood on it, I think we can assume it was the murder weapon (how else would he have her blood). But why was Aaron’s Oscar at the Kane house for him to use it to kill her? I don’t think they’re going to reverse last season’s resolution, but there are still questions.
• Who put the rat on the bus and for what purpose?
• Is there a reason Logan didn’t go on the trip?
• Who was the outing to end all outings? Woody? Dick? Beaver?
• What’s the deal with the Phoenix Land Trust?
• Why is Beaver so apprehensive with Mac?
• What is Kendall’s ultimate plan?
• Who is or was blackmailing Woody?
  

I have every confidence we’ll get answers to these questions by the end of the season. And there’ll probably be more next week. I’m not sure this season is as good as the first, but it’s damn good and the more it comes together the more I like it.

Right now Woody and Kendall are the prime suspects. But I just can’t discount the feeling I have about the Mannings. Feel free to comment if you're reading.

The Return of Bad Tiki

We're back after a long hiatus. New content coming soon (like later tonight or tomorrow) but the full archives should be up. Let me know if anything is missing or if links aren't working, etc.

Dear Christian Advisor

I keep getting spam from a "Christian Advisor" offering to refinance my home...the godly way. So, here's what I said to him:

Dear Christian Advisor,

I am neither Christian nor a homeowner. Please remove me from your mailing list post haste.

Also, didn't Jesus like, throw the Moneychangers out of the friggin' temple? Your company violates like 3 commandments. Have you not seen the Simpsons where Homer stole cable? It's all very well spelled out. The Simpsons is a brilliant show, isn't it? Very astute satire. I like the Sea Captain, don't you?

Look, we can be honest. You could care less whether or not I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior (personally, I prefer Cher). All you want is my money. Well, hate to break it to you, but I have none. Once I get finished with rent, food, car, utilities and internet porn, I have nothing left over to buy DVD's, let alone pay for the down payment on a home. So, aside from targeting a non-believer with your spam (I said it), you've attempted to prey on a poor schlub with no money.

I realize that no one may be reading this e-mail. I'm probably talking to a computer. So, hey computer: 101011110000111001111100000111011!!!!! (Sorry, I know my accent is atrocious)

But, in the unlikely event that this has reached an actual person, hello. I do not want your service. Remove me from your list. Any further contact will be documented for prosecution for religious harassment. And I'm sure you know all about those anti-religious activist judges. You're going to be so indebted to me I will end up with your cat. And I'll convert her to Judaism just to spite you. I'm not Jewish, but she will be. And I'll let her watch non-family friendly television. Like Deadwood and America's Next Top Model.

I'm serious.

Love,
Mark

AI Update

Janice will be back this weekend to discuss this week's debacle. She is too atrocified to speak at the moment.

Janice Talks About American Idol - 70's Dance Classics Night

Hello all. I’m back with my thoughts on American Idol. Last night was “70’s Dance Classics” night. Because Disco is too hard to say. Or because no one wanted to make Bice turn the beat around or something.

Constantine Maroulis

After Ryan, who gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today (for Radio), introduces us to the judges, Constantine Maroulis starts us off with The Bee-Gees’ “Nights On Broadway”. Oh, God, what happened to your face, Connie? Oh, sorry, that’s just eye-liner. Eek. Here’s a quick quiz to help you determine whether you, as a male, should be wearing eye-liner.
1. Are you currently in a production of A Clockwork Orange?
2. Are you Billy Joe of Green Day?
3. Are you Brandon Flowers of The Killers?

If you answered no to all of these questions, then find yourself some Noxema and wipe that crap off. Because it does not work for you.

This performance was fine. It’s a good song and he stayed in key and everything. But the whole thing was whatever, especially after the bombast of last week.

B

Carrie Underwood

I can’t really dis Carrie because if I do, New Guy will probably dunk my head in the toilet or something. So, I loved her, she was better than Cats, and I’m going to see her again and again.

But the song, "MacArthur Park"? That’s fair game. What was she thinking? I realize that the song does have an amazing vocal, but it’s in service of the most bisbegotten lyrics in American songwriting. Is this song supposed to be literal? Did someone really leave a cake with green forsting (assumedly decorated to look like the titular park) out in the rain. And where did this recipe go to that she can never get it again? Did it self-destruct or something? And, seriously, it’s pastry. No need to belt about it.

Or is the song allegorical? In that case, what does the cake represent? A lost love affair? Is that what the recipe is? But what does that have to do with MacArthur Park? I’m very confused. And Carrie cleary was as well. Pick a better song next time.

B

Scott Savol

I refuse to listen to this ass-boil any longer. Gnome did the dirty work for me and reports that while he stayed mainly on key, and his dancing was passable, he remains and ever shall be Scott Savol, and therefore sucked. Good to hear that he and Nadia are just friends. Because that rumor was scary.

D

Anthony Federov

Mark and New Guy keep talking about how cute this kid is. Mark said he is “squishy in all the right places,” and it’s times like that that I really wish I had stomach contents to void. But I just sit here, stoically, listening to him sing some somg I’ve never heard by a band called Tavares that I’ve never heard of. Still, it was one of his best performances and he should stay another week.

B+

Vonzell Soloman

Vonzell is Every Woman. So many American Idols clain to be every woman that it’s getting comfusing. The backing singers seemed to be doing all the heavy lifting all night, but never more than in the opening verses of Vonzell’s song. But she came alive toward the end. She keeps topping herself every week.

A-

Anwar Robinson

Anwar, you bore me. Such a nice guy, but snooze. Take a risk, dude. With your high register, why no Bee-Gees? Huh? Unfortunately, given how well everyine else did tonight, it’s probably time to say goodbye.

C+

Bo Bice

Bo, it was great and all, but it wasn’t dance. You did not fulfill the specifics of the assignment. While I would give you an A for performace and vocals, I have to disqualify you. Sorry.

DQ

So, all in all, a boring night. Let’s hope it gets better next week.

Prediction for bottom three:

Anwar, A-Fed and Scott.

What’s Paula on?

Bacardi and Codeine. With lime.

Janice out.