Before I begin with this stroll down memory lane, I have a very serious, very sincere request. Can I please never hear the phrase "rally monkey" again in my life? Thank you. Go Mariners.

So, I've decided to open The Box tonight. I've been thinking a lot about the impending war with Iraq and I wanted to dig up an article I wrote before the last war with Iraq, back when I was in high school. It was my first editorial in the school newspaper, in September of my sophomore year and I took a position opposed to going to war. It was a rather bold move as a 15 year old. I want to see what I thought back then and how accurate it is to today's situation.

But first, a bit about The Box. There are two boxes actually, large blue plastic storage containers. One is the home of my Legos™ (which will be the subject of a future column). The other stores all of my memorabilia from childhood through college. Pictures, papers, a few random clothes, etc. I find it comforting to rifle through it occasionally. But, seeing as how it is 11:24 PM and I have no job to wake up for in the morning, I am going to catalogue the contents of The Box for your reading enjoyment.

So, here goes:

Item: 1 felt "C" in Gothic type measuring about 4 square inches. - The letter I received for Drama in high school. I never purchased the letterman's jacket for this letter, even though I worked my ass off to get it, mainly because my parents feared that wearing a letter jacket for Drama would cause me to be beaten up even more than I already was. What can I say, sometimes my mother was right.

Item: 1 pair glittery fairy wings, worn by the Angel character in my short college play "Another Play About Funny and/or Touching and/or Brave Gay Men"

Item: 1 Thank You note from the cast of a college one act play I directed. Apparently I "brought the joy of acting" back into Gary's life. Good for Gary.

Item: Various programs from high school and college plays, many of which I had nothing to do with.

Item: 1 copy "The Lemolo Gossip" a pretend newspaper my mother created when she was a little girl. I have no reasonable explanation for why it is in my memory box

Damn, this fairy glitter is on everything

Item: 1 hand-knitted blue Norwegian sweater my grandmother made for me when I was three. It's so fucking cute.

Item: More fricking "Lomolo Gossip"s. Damn, woman, these are my memories, not yours.

Item: 3 record albums: The Original Soundtrack to Oklahoma!, Viki Carr's It Must Me Him, and The Greatest Hits of Barry Manilow. Because I'm just that gay.

Item: A shitload of photographs, many of people who I have no idea who they are. Several of people who I can identify, but remember disliking strongly.

Item: 1 copy of "Krypteen Saves the Day", a story I wrote with a group of students in elementary school. It involves a cat named Krypteen who, with the help of Jenny and Johnny Hammel, who live in a mobile home in the Mount Baker National Forest, somehow saves the day.

Item: Sheet music to "Tara's Theme", the theme from Gone With the Wind, my last recital piece during my days of piano lessons. Some of those chords kicked my ass.

Item: 1 receipt for $2.16 from 5/21/96. I have no clue.

Item: Various college and high school papers, few of them interesting. Oh, here's the piece on Iraq. Not very well written. I just keep restating my thesis over and over with no real proof to back it up. "Cheap gas not worth lives" is the headline. It doesn't exactly take into account the geo-political ramifications of Iraq's invasion of Kuwait, but I still think I was on the right track. It doesn't shed any light on today's situation, though. Still, my new favorite bumper sticker is: "Regime Change Starts at Home." Hee.

Item: My application for Washington State Journalist of the Year featuring my picture on the cover of Time Magazine. I was Runner-Up. I also really needed an eyebrow trim. I probably still do.

Go away glitter!

Item: A short story I wrote for sophomore English entitled "Thoughts of a Dead Men Fingering God". I received 20 out of 20 with the comment "grim!".

Ah, the Mother Lode!

Item: A project from 7th grade entitled "Who Am I?" On the cover is a picture of me on my bed, where my white Gotcha™ slacks and gray Gotcha™ shirt and wearing turquoise Converse™ tennis shoes. On the wall behind me is a picture of a sailboat, a poster featuring teddy bears at the beach and several pennants from football teams including a large one for the New York Jets. Who the Hell was I? Let's look through this thing.

On the first page, the "Who Am I" collage features a Ziggy cartoon, a spelling test, the word pizza and a picture of Keshia Knight Pulliam from the Cosby Show. Apparently these were the things that made me me at age 12. A simple, moralistic cartoon about a small round man, pizza and Rudy Huxtable. I thought I was a 5 year old black girl. No wonder my eighth grade teacher recommended therapy.

In the poems I have written section:

Music

Beautiful music
In the air
Leaving the world
With no despair.

Apparently, I had yet to listen to Morrissey.

There are a few photos of me as a child. Or, as I now refer to them: "Mark: The Svelte Years." In one I am in my T-Ball uniform. So very wrong. There's also one of my receiving my first Bible from my pastor. Hee.

Also, there's a photo from my trip to Universal Studios from when I was picked to participate in one of the special effects shows. The caption reads "Me in Buck Rogers Demonstration at Universal Studios." I swear to God, I thought I had played Luke Skywalker. I tell everyone I was dressed as Luke Skywalker in the orange jumpsuit. Nope, Buck Rogers. Is it even possible that my childhood was even less cool that I thought it was?

Oh dear, the favorite songs category. Here they are:

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (Judy, natch.)
"Footloose"
"Almost Paradise" (also from Footloose. Jump back.)
"Stand By Me"
"Never Surrender".

Yes, by Corey Hart. Shut up. I had a whole treatment for a film in head my based on that song. It took place at my elementary school and involved a group of determined 4th graders banding together to fend off an invasion of Soviet soldiers. Yes, like Red Dawn, only this was before Red Dawn. And, unlike Red Dawn, my big action sequence involved subduing the Russians and the Kalashnikov rifles with a large bin full of kick balls. See, now that's much more embarrassing than if I hade just said Never Surrender was one of my favorite songs.

My current favorite song at the time of writing this project was "Somewhere Out There (Fievel's Theme)" from An American Tail. Okay. Wasn't Peabo Bryson involved in that single in some way? What kind of a name is Peabo?

According to the entry "My Birthdays", I spent the fifth anniversary of my birth with someone named Sugar the Clown. Ah, selective memory, I love you! For my 11th birthday, the featured video was Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Thank God, because I was really getting scared there.

"My Funeral"? Geeze, that's depressing. I apparently wanted to have my service on the steps of the Library of Congress, then be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Because, apparently, I was planning on becoming a war hero. No amount of money would convince me to relay what I thought my epitaph should be. Dear God, I want to beat myself up in seventh grade.

In the "My Pets" section, my Mother apparently prompted me to say that, at the age of 2, I had an imaginary pet dog named Sonia. Actually, Sonia belonged to Owl, who was my imaginary friend. Owl was cool. I miss him. I wonder what he's doing now? Maybe he's single.

Oh for the love of God, I've actually transcribed the lyrics to "Almost Paradise". I wish I was knocking on Heaven's door.

"Unfinished Sentences". This part of the project allowed us to complete sentences like: "If I were five years older…" Here are a few.

"I think my parents are nice." So, I hadn’t reached the "I hate my parents" portion of adolescence. (And believe me, I reached it.) Either that or my Mother was helping me with the typing.

"The happiest day of my life was when I was adopted". Aw, that's sweet. Granted, I was about 96 hours old at the time and have no memory, but hey, it's still sweet.

"I am best at music; piano and drum". My first documented use of the semicolon; used incorrectly, of course.

"My favorite vacation place would be a sunny place with a beach and a nice pool." Oh, right, I used to be thin.

"When I am home alone I take care of my dogs." Was that a euphemism? Because in seventh grade, when I was alone, the dogs were not the priority. I believe the priority was thinking about Matt Riggs' butt.

The final page is a word search about myself. The words to search for were:

Music
Poetry
Author
Piano
Drum
Pizza
School
Mark

Well, that was frightening. It amazes me that I could have changed so much in 15 years. I mean, other than a fondness for pizza and Pee-Wee, the person who wrote that report bears no resemblance to me at all. In fact, maybe I should answer some of these questions again:

If I had my own car, it would be…

Driven by a large German man named Otto (who I pay handsomely) so I would never have to deal with the 405 again.

My children won't have to…

Write these sentences

I am best at…

Definitely not music. Maybe writing. Maybe memorizing arcane facts about Soap Opera history.

I think my parents are…

Lovely, if flawed, individuals who love me very much but bring new meaning to the word "denial".

On Saturdays I like to…

Well, this Saturday has been spent watching old episodes of West Wing on tape, so there's that.

If I had a million dollars, I would…

Settle my debts, pay off my parents' mortgage and never temp another day in my life again.

I have accomplished…

Getting the Hell out of seventh grade.

If I were five years older I would…

Be five years closer to death.

My favorite vacation place would be…

New York, staying at the Plaza. Not the beach.

The happiest day of my life was…

Oh, same one, I guess. Either that on November 3, 1992. The democrats won every race in Washington State except Lt. Governor, I was named Student of the Month and, if memory serves, we won our Knowledge Bowl game by a hefty margin. Yes, I was still a geek in high school, too.

If I had 24 hours to live I would…

Feel the need to crack as many Kiefer Sutherland, "This is going to be the longest day of my life" jokes as possible.

When I am alone at home, I…

Take care of my dogs.

Well, there's more in the box, but I think I'll save it for another time. I'm frightened enough as it is. A song featuring the lead singers of Heart and Loverboy? Ack!