Hi.

You don’t know me but you do have my wallet. You probably found it lying next to my car in the parking garge of my apartment building. It was just lying there, in the shadows. I can see how you mistook it for an early Christmas present for yourself. Maybe you thought it was a sample for the new home wallet-selling business I'm planning on starting. You know, since I'm broke and unemployed. Oh, sorry, not trying to guilt you or anything, Person Who Stole My Wallet. I'm writing to you here since you no doubt found the business cards I keep in my wallet to give to friends about this site. Thanks for coming, please join the mailing list.

By now, obviously, you things about me, like my address, the fact that I have Frank Lloyd Wright checks from Bank of America, that I just wrote a check to SuperCuts and that I'm certified in CPR by the Red Cross. You know, I don’t think the contents of my wallet paint a good picture of me. They make it sound like I'm a pretentious architecture major with bad hair and an urge to help people. Well, I do have bad hair.

A few notes about the contents of that wallet. You can keep them. Except for the ID, everything is replaceable. All of the cards have been cancelled, as well as the checks. Feel free to use that Blockbuster card, though. I have late fees at every Blockbuster in a fifteen mile radius of my house as well as several stores in both the Seattle and Sacramento areas. And I'm not talking piddly, dropped Black Hawk Down in the night box fifteen minutes after closing late fees. I'm talking I forgot that Stuart Little was stuck under the couch for two weeks late fees. Feel free to pay them off. Just don’t use my money.

Ha! No doubt you've discovered by now that I have no money. There was no money in the wallet. There is no money in any of the accounts and the wallet itself is old and raggedy so you can't even hock that. And, just to let you know, trying to pull an identity theft using my social security number is an exercise in futility. You just try to get a loan with my credit history -- you'll be begging for prison in no time.

So, enjoy the wallet. I sure did. But, if it's not too much of a bother, could you at least return the driver's license? I doubt you look like me (and I'm sorry if you do.) So it's not much use to you. But I need it to fly home for Christmas. You know, that holiday that's all about goodwill toward men and whatnot? So, show me a little goodwill and I'll show it right back. No questions, no charges. I just want my ID. I am never going to take a picture at the DMV where I look that thin or that tan again.

So, Person Who Stole My Wallet, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and I hope you get boils over 90% of your body.

Mark

Update: When I returned from my trip home, the wallet weas under the mat. Thanks, scary neighbor. I knoew it was you.