January 2005

All My Children

Okay, this is going to be hard. My antipathy for Head Writer Megan McTavish is long-standing and very well documented. But over the past two years she has turned AMC into the Best Soap On A Network That Is Not CBS. I know, faint praise what with Passions being a joke, Days being an unfunny joke, OLTL being a complete, rudderless mess and GH being, well, The Emily Show with Special Guest Star Sonny! But AMC is, for the most part, exactly what a soap opera should be. The stories are compelling -- Bianca gets her baby back, JR loses a daughter and will soon gain a son, Erica in mother-bear mode, Lily trying to fit into her new world, even the new abuse story with limp noodle Maggie looks to be going in an interesting direction. Vetarans are being used rather than paraded around to fulfill contracts. Erica, Tad, Adam and Brooke are each driving small loads of story. Now, Brooke should be doing a hell of a lot more, but something tells me that’s not McTavish’s choice, but more about Brian Frons and his Russ Meyer-like obsessions. The other day, we had whole chunks of screentime given over to Erica, Jack, Tad and Adam all in scenes together. That’s refreshing. Still, the baby-switch was bungled in a lot of ways. There’s no reason Babe had to know as soon as she did. It ruined the character for me, along with Jamie. Tad is too much a part of my life to ever be completely ruined (I sat through Ted for god’s sake.) But I just don’t understand why any of these people would keep JR from his kid, especially knowing that he will eventually find out. This story could have been done with two villains, Krystal and Paul. And Krystal could have been written sympathetically. As it stands, David is dead to me and Tad is on thin ice. And Jamie? Jamie is an idiot who I will never root for ever again. But the payoff for a year of Rube Goldbergian plot contrivances led to one of the most sastisfyingly emotional events in my decades of watching soaps. Eden Riegel was phenomenal, and Susan Lucci did the best work of her career. McTavish is far from perfect and I still blame her for many awful, awful stories (though I’m beginning to suspect that Jill is the real villain) I’m enjoying AMC again.

Advice: Pick up the pace. There’s making us wait and then there’s doing a lame soft-shoe to postpone the inevitable. I applaud the guts in continuing to do social issue stories, such as Lily’s autism and the abuse story. But how many PSA’s can you film where the actor tells the audience to do the exact opposite of what the character just did? Give Brooke a story, preferrably a hot younger man. Make Adam fight to get her back and just as he’s about to lose, reveal the younger man to be a back from the dead Leo, who gets Greenlee away from the increasingly self-righteous and boring Ryan. Let Bianca get some nookie and not with Maggie. I don’t want to see Maggie turn gay just because she’s abused. Keep exploring the Kane-Montgomery dynamic – that’s a great soap family. And bring fun, sexy, smart Tad back. Get him away from Krystal (a character who needs to go, as much as I like Bobbie Eakes). And finally, enough with the Cambias curse crap. All it does is remind me of Michael, and that’s a memory I’d rather bury.

One Life to Live

Oh, I see, if Todd is kidnapped and raped by a crazy person then he can finally atone for raping Marty? Good job, new head writer Dina Higley, for missing the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE CHARACTER! He can’t atone. Never. And it eats at him, always. This show is a mess. It’s been a mess since Live Week, which was a long time ago. I hate Nora now. Same with Bo. Hell, Viki is getting on my last nerve. Why does Dorian suddenly hate Viki again? I was enjoying their detante. Why aren’t Dorian and David on every freaking day? They’re hysterical and Tuc Watkins makes me think very naughty thoughts. Why would anyone take the time to make someone look exactly like Cristian? Even if that’s not where this story is going, it’s still a stupid story. Good job on killing Tico off, but why another murder mystery? When the character is hated, no one cares who killed him except to say thank you. The only bright side of the past two years of this show? Jessica Morris has marginally improved as an actress. Yeah, exactly.

Advice: Hire a real writer and give this show back the character it once had – the humor and the romance and three-demensional characters. The male characters on this show used to be the best in daytime. Get back to that. And stop trying to fix Todd and just tell me his story.

General Hospital

Who are these people? That callow twit is not Emily Quartermaine. There are two Nicholas’s now? For what conceivable purpose? Remember when Jax was exciting? When Sonny was interesting, when Carly and Alexis gave a spark to the whole room. Those days are gone. The show is a mess and it’s so far gone that only a major overhaul is going to save it. So, in that spirit…

Advice: Fire Maurice Benard. Fire Natalia Livingston. Fire Steve Burton. Fire Ted King. Get rid of the mob completely, give me an Emily that doesn’t thow me into a murderous rage. You have enough Spencers, Quartermaines and Webber to populate the show without Corinthoses and Cassadines. Helena is played. Have Skye turn out to be a Scorpio and set out to find Robert and Anna. Get Finola Hughes away from the Fox Network. And tell me story that doesn’t reuire the women to simper and the men to weild guns. Oh, and fire Guza, Phelps and Pratt and forbid them from every writing or producing a soap opera again. This is what happens when egos run amok.

Passions

Actual plot development? Wow. Brother and sister having a baby? Ew. Tabitha and Julian? Hee.

Advice: None. I’ll happily continue to peacefully co-exist with this farce.

Days of Our Lives

THAT was the big twist? That it was Tony? The logical holes in the murder story are actually larger than the circumfrence of the Earth. And shut up, Belle.

Advice: Cancel it. Bring back Another World. Or Sunset Beach. Or The Secret Storm. Anything is better than this crap. And get that syringe away from Deidre’s forehead.

Bold and the Beautiful

I know the least about this show, so no comments other than a sincere thanks for employing Jack Wagner. Gotta love that Frisco.

Advice: You’re out of Forresters, so find Brooke a new man. And for the love of God, stop trying to put Bridget and Ridge together. It’s just the grossest thing ever.

Young and the Restless

This is soap opera. Consistent, varied and encompassing all genres of drama and comedy.

Advice: Keep up the good work.

As the World Turns

This show is so frustrating. It’s capable of being so good and the cast just keeps getting better. But so many stories are started and then stopped that I can’t invest in anything. The Cabot shenanigans have gone on far too long. Katie took too long to decide between her two lovers. And the less said about Doc Reese the better. Still, when Hogan is on, there are few better.

Advice: Get the suits out of the writing room and just let Hogan and Chris tell us a story. And figure out a way to keep Sarah Brown because she’s fabulous.

Guiding Light

That was fast. This show went from an unadulterated mess (Reva’s a psychic! Marah whines! Jeffrey is EVERYWHERE) to the truest, most entertaining soap on the block in less than six months. This is what happens when trust is placed on a new writer who loves the show and sets out without cynicism to write it the best way he knows how. New Head Writer Dan Kreitzman as well as EP Ellen Wheeler clearly love this genre and they’re using it to the best of their ability. Tom Pelphrey is a real find as Jonathan. He’s creepy and sexy and evil, reminiscent of a young Roger Howarth. I’m fascinated by how they’re going to redeem him enough to keep around, because he can’t just keep trying to bed his cousin and aunt. Phillip’s death was great drama. I hope the rumors are true that Grant Alexander is returning at some point because I really feel the loss. But what’s great about this new creative team is that they expect us to feel the loss. In other news, Gus, a character I had come to despise through years of being told to love him finally seems worthy of Harley – I’m looking forward to them getting back together permanenlty. Gina Tognoni makes a great Dinah. The Roger story has been a bit of a letdown, but major points for attempting it. That was a wrong that needed to be righted. And in addition to Pelphrey, the rest of the teens are all capable to great actors who, while pretty, are not uniformly or vacantly so (AMC casting department, that one was for you). This is true soap opera.

Advice: This isn’t for the show, it’s for the audience, especially those with Nielsen boxes. Watch.