This week, my long dream of being in some way associated with E! Entertainment Television came true. No, I didn't get to be the play-by-play reporter at the Oscars, hovering above the red carpet in News Chopper E!. But, I did get a response to my e-mail in Wanda's chat .

I'm famous.

Now, first off, let me say that I am a loyal reader of Wanda's "spoiler" column on E! Online. This is not because she is some bastion of journalistic integrity or because she delivers the scoop no one else does. I read it regularly because I am very bored and too broke to buy my own TV Guide.

I have ventured into her chats at times, again due to the boredom. (Please, do not underestimate the boredom). Also, because I really wanted to get the scoop on the mystery couple behind the scenes of Dawson's Creek. (Which may be my favorite bit of celebrity gossip ever.)(I don’t know why.) Her chats are usually full of either very stupid people ("Will Rachel choose Ross or Joey?", "Will President Bartlet win re-election") or rabid Charmed fans. I haven't ventured back in a while.

Oh, wait, this is a Soaps column, so I better get to the whole point of this rant. Last week, while reading Wanda's Friday column, I came upon the following entry:

Soap Star on a Rope: Looks like the take-no-sexual-prisoners attitude of The Real World: Las Vegas doesn't stop when the cameras aren't rolling. At a post-Emmys party thrown by Brentwood magazine, Brynn of Vegas (one-third of this week's scandalous bathtub hookup), couldn't keep her hands off David Tom, a former small-time player on The Young and the Restless. For most of the evening, Brynn pined over the sexy soapster, calling friends on her cell phone to share her sudsy obsession and planning her next move. Ever the subtle sweetie, she ended up grabbing his arms, grinding up against him and trying to get him to dance. The catch? There was no dance floor.

Viva Las Vegas smut!

Meanwhile, a source at Bunim-Murray (The Real World's production office) tells me that Brynn becomes "the focal point of drama" later this season, when she throws something at Steven after he calls her a nasty name. Near the end of the season, the houseguests vote on whether to kick her out.

Okay, so the Real Worlders are hos, we know that. And David Tom is an attractive young man who I believe is single, and quite possibly straight, so it's no surprise that one or more of the aforementioned hos would throw her (or him) self at him. No big whoop. But Wanda referred to him as a small time player. Excuse me.

I am not a watcher of Y&R (it has something to do with enjoying actual plot movement and a deep disdain for Eric Braeden) but I keep up with all of the soaps. So, I know that David Tom played Billy Abbott, son of John and Jill. I know that he was thrown into a front-burner teen romance with Mac and had some sort of health scare. No small-time player on soaps has a health scare. He was a lead. Oh, yeah, and he won an Emmy. Wanda's a soap snob.

So, and here's where the boredom really comes in, I decided to write Miss Wanda a letter and let her know that there are millions of soap fans who consider a lead performance a little bit better than "small time" and also consider Real Worlders to be one step below porn stars on the entertainment industry food chain. (At least porn stars have jobs. And don’t tell me that "party planner" is a job. It's not a job if you can’t get fired.) I decide that I am going to write a letter.

I am not what one would call a letter writer. It is very rare for me to write a letter to the editor of anything. I think I wrote a letter to TV Guide once and a couple to the "It's Only My Opinion" page in Soap Opera Digest (Below). None have ever been printed.

Until now.

That's right. Wanda responded to me. She posted an excerpted version of my letter during her chat:

From grinaldi: I'm a regular reader of your column and usually appreciate the broad base of your coverage. However, I was taken aback by your referring to David Tom as a "small-time" player on The Young and the Restless. Mr. Tom had a lead role on the show for, I believe, three years. What irked me was the idea that having a part on a soap was somehow less significant than being a member of a Real World cast. One requires some (admittedly not always great) acting talent and the ability to memorize reams of dialogue in a day, while the other requires the ability to be a hootchie and, if possible, possess a strange name containing too many vowels.
Wanda: I must confess. I haven't watched a soap in more than 10 years--and that's not meant to be a slight. I simply don't have time, since prime time is my beat. So I very much apologize. To you, to other soapy fans, and most importantly to the (I now know) Emmy-winning Mr. Tom. I was misinformed. I have removed the "small-time" status. And I hope you can forgive me. Love, Waayaandah

Okay, so I started with a little ass-kissing (many people actually propose marriage to this woman to get a response to a question about Spike's nakedness, so I don’t feel too bad). Also, I used the phrase "taken aback" which makes me sound like some old gray-haired queen, defending his boy-crush. But, I did get to use the word hootchie, so that helps.

So, she apologized and changed the column. That was good of her. But now I feel like a freak, a reactionary who is far too touchy about soap operas. At the same time, though, I was right. It does take a hell of a lot more talent to act for three years on a soap than spend 5 months in a hotel, even if it is with Trishelle. And as these reality show pseudo-celebrities continue to pile up, it's time we did something about it.

Melissa Archer deserves to be a Hell of a lot more famous than Jerri Manthey. James Mitchell was doing the gay villain thing when Richard Hatch was still bi-curious. And, excuse me, but I'll take Scott Holroyd over Eric Nies any day.

Soap stars were the original pseudo-celebrities and they are being edged out by people with names like Kaya and Irulan. It's called a consonant people, look into it. Granted, I have no idea to fix this problem. I never said I was Johnathan Swift, here. I'm just saying it's a problem and we should do something about it. It may involve a hostile takeover of the E! Network, which would be difficult with the chopper and all. But, now that Steve "Mad Dog" Kmetko is gone, we may have a shot.

Or, maybe, I should just stop caring about soap actors or reality TV, um, contestants and focus on, I don’t know, the frigging war we're fighting. That might be a good idea.

Oh, wait, Amazing Race is back. Scratch that.

Here's the letter I wrote to SOD back in June of 2001:

(First of all, I love your column, even when I disagree with you. I wanted to write a letter about how rapturous As the World Turns is, but then GH just pissed me off again. Also, I love the drinking games.)

Why am I so upset about Chloe’s death on General Hospital? The character never clicked and there were few stories left to tell with her. Plus, by all reports Tava Smiley isn’t terribly disappointed to be leaving. Yet, here I sit, appalled and dismayed at my once favorite soap. And it’s not just out of sympathy for Smiley, having to spend her last day uttering the line, “you were frozen?”

Perhaps it’s the memories of other Jill Farren Phelps murders which upsets me: Maureen Bauer, Mel Hayes and especially Frankie Frame Winthrop, a death which actually forced me to stop watching Another World. Chloe was nowhere near as realized or beloved as those characters, but her death was as senseless and dramatically unnecessary as theirs. The only thing we were spared was the brutality of Frankie’s murder.

General Hospital has become a dark, depressing, soul-deadening experience of late. Even the sets are bad. (What’s with Sonny’s office? We had sturdier looking sets in my high school plays). And, of course, JFP is not alone in the blame for GH’s current state. Megan McTavish is notorious. (TV Guide once called her the “Typhoid Mary” of soap opera writing). The Stavros story is a bad idea given even worse execution. The writers obviously think he’s a hoot to write for, giving him lots of snarky, effete barbs to sling. But, he has no color, no shading, none of things we need to enjoy a soap villain. And he has no Achille’s Heel, like Stenbeck’s children or Stefano’s many more children. He’s just evil and therefore boring to watch.

Add to this a murder mystery where no one cares who the murderer is. A love triangle with a shaky recast and a monotone woman with a bridal fixation fighting over a man who is too interesting for either of them. (Of course Sonny can fall in love with Angel as soon as he meets her, I can hear McTavish say, it worked so well with Bo and Melanie) And then there’s the teenage romance plot involving a mind-controlling diamond. The only joys on GH these days come from Gia tackling psycho granny Helena, and she’s so over she’s right side up again.

Chloe’s murder is simply the most visible symptom to date of the cynicism, depression, and downright incompetence of the current GH regime. Not only are they repeating old mistakes, they’re making a whole lot of new ones. And very soon, I fear, it may get so bad the show will never recover, especially if what happened to Chloe is any indication of what’s in store for Laura. Think it can’t happen? So did Frankie and Maureen.

Mark
Los Angeles, CA