Here are my predictions for what we will be reading in the news in the next year:

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will be wed and the marriage will last the year. The relationship will be strained, however, when, after a drunken consolation fuck in the coat room of the wedding chapel, Gwyneth and P. Diddy are married in a lavish ceremony and declared the Celebrity Couple of the Millennium by US Weekly.

The Matrix sequels will be huge hits. The third film, however, will be an artistic disappointment due to the large amounts of screen time given to the Ookies, a band of furry, diminutive cyber hackers who look like teddy bears and speak only in emoticons.

Vin Diesel and Mariah Carey will meet at a film premiere, fall madly in love and begin production of a brood of dubiously talented, racially ambiguous children.

War in Iraq will be averted when Carl Rove informs the President that the only country voters in Michigan hate more than Iraq is Monaco. Prince Rainier surrenders in 45 minutes.

Anne Heche will finally discover Scientology.

Jessica Shaw will be stoned to death by a group of rabid internet fans when she declares Kiefer Sutherland "Five Minutes Ago".

Tobey Maguire will bow out of Spider Man 2. Jake Gyllenhaal will step in. No one will notice.

NBC will offer an unprecedented billion dollars and controlling interest in Jay Leno's soul to the cast of Friends to ensure an 11th season. Schwimmer will hold out for more money.

In the last episode of Oz, millions of fans will rejoice when Beecher and Keller are released from jail, move to Vermont, get married, and open a shop selling specialty jams and jellies.

After winning Oscars for both Supporting and Lead Actress in the same year, Julianne Moore will alienate much of Hollywood when her second acceptance speech consists solely of the words "Suck it, Streep."

Fox's third entry in the Celebrity Boxing series will be cancelled after Urkel is knocked unconscious by Rerun from What's Happening and Bill O'Reilly bites off Phil Donahue's ear.

Even though the series has been cancelled, Robert Wuhl will continue to produce episodes on Arli$$ in his den. It will still suck.

Creatively tapped after the cancellation of girls club, David E. Kelley will convince Greg Germann, Jane Krakowski and Vonda Shepherd to star in AfterAlly. Fox will cancel it halfway through the first episode in favor of a special entitled World's Wackiest Coast Guard Seizures.

Avril Lavigne will mysteriously disappear while on a rafting trip with Alanis Morissette and Fiona Apple. No charges will be filed.

In February, the NBC promo department will be thrown into chaos when nothing happens in the last five minutes of ER.

And finally, Christina Aguilera will finally make her feature film debut in "Latin Gangbang Sluts #38"

Happy New Year!