I wasn’t even going to watch American Idol. I really wasn’t. This summer was going to be about catching up on all the DVDs I bought when I had an income and forgoing anything on the Fox Television Network as punishment for canceling Undeclared. But then I started reading the recaps and just had to watch, if only so I could feel the Dunk-hate as fully as the rest of America.

And now that it’s over, I’m filled with an odd mix of relief, hope, joy and residual Dunk-hate. For once, the voters got it right. Even if the contest had come down to Kelly and Tamyra (as it should have), the spunky “cocktail waitress” from Texas would have deserved to win. Tamyra is an amazing singer. Kelly is a star. And the American people (or the twelve of them with severe calluses on their redial-button-pushing fingers) got it right, without a compromise. It didn’t come down to “fine, I’ll vote for Kelly just so Nikki doesn’t win.” We wanted Kelly to win, not the other guy to lose. Justin is a passable singer and a perfectly amiable guy, and lost with grace. For once, we got to choose which was batter, not which one was not worse.

Here’s my prediction (which I am coating with honey mustard flavoring should I eventually have to eat these words): Kelly is going to make it. She’s got the voice, she’s got the winsome charm, and she seems to have a very level head. And if she does become rich and famous, with many platinum records and a three-picture deal, then American Idol will have succeeded by doing the exact opposite of what we expected it to do.

This competition originally looked to be a joke, a contest which would give us a “superstar”, the next big-prepackaged sensation, the next Britney. Most of America doesn’t really want the Britney we have now, let alone another one. We’re too busy fending off that rank Fiona Apple wannabe, with an even more pretentious name, from Canada and the further corruption of the English language (Herre?! Is that German?) to control yet another power-ballad singing power-ho. And if we didn’t get another Britney, we were expecting another, um… Do we even have a guy in this age range singing pop who isn’t part of a boy band? What we got instead was Kelly Clarkson, who is in many ways the antithesis of Britney.

First, she can actually sing. She has a great instrument and one gets the feeling she is just now learning to use it.

Second, she’s normally shaped. Sure, she’s thin, but not emaciated. She looks like a girl who indulges in the occasional French fry without a 5-minute discussion of carb content. This is the kind of girl I’d want my daughters (and sons) to look up to.

Third, she’s sexy, and she knows it, but she doesn’t make that the priority. When she sang “Natural Woman” wearing a man’s outfit, replete with tie and fedora, and had a bit of belly exposed, she looked hot. But that performance was about her voice and the song, not that bit of belly. This is not a girl who’s going to wrap a snake around her bikini-clad torso and sing about how bad she wants her cherry popped.

Fourth, she’s smart. Granted, we don’t know that much about her. But the way she has handled herself in interviews shows her to be both down-to-earth and savvy. She doesn’t come across as naïve, she comes across as relaxed. She wants to sing, she wants to put out an album. I get the impression that she’s not particularly interested in having her face on a Trapper Keeper.

Fifth, and perhaps most vitally, she seems humble. Several weeks ago, Simon said something interesting. “A diva is code for someone who has forgotten her fans.” He went on to say that Kelly is not a diva. I think he’s right. (However, I’m also sure she will play some role in the next Diva’s Live). At least right now, she seems to appreciate every success she’s had. I hope she continues on that path.

So, yay Kelly! Congratulations and don’t screw up. We need you right now.

Also, yay for the Dixie Chicks. Not because I'm particularly enamored of their bluegrass-tinged song-stylings (though I'm always cool with a chick who can fiddle), but because they knocked Enimnem out of the top spot on the Billboard charts. Hell, I'd be cheering if Switched on Poison or Kathie Lee Live at Red Rocks had knocked Eminem out of the top spot. Shit, I'd take the Jingle Cats.

Yes, that's right, it's time for the Eminem rant. I can tolerate a lot in this world. I can tolerate a complete lack of talent (I own this). I can accept sheer greed (buying this). I can even tolerate someone espousing views to which I do not also ascribe (I said tolerate, not own.) But when you threaten Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, you threaten America. In short: Eminem, go away.

His behavior at the VMA's was the perfect example of what is so dangerous about this man being a role model to teenage boys. When given an award and a chance to speak to his fans, he took the opportunity to physically threaten Moby. Many people find Eminem refreshing for "putting it all out there" or "speaking what's on his mind." Others cite his difficult adolescence and the challenges he faced as a white kid in a black world or his dysfunctional mother. Threatening to "hit a man in glasses" isn't being ballsy or irreverent. It's being a bully. And a bully with a pulpit is a dangerous thing.

Eminem has every right to speak his mind, to say whatever he feels, short of inciting a riot. But, and I'm sure I'll be accused of being a panty-waist for saying this, telling a guy you're going to hit him and then, reportedly, menacing him backstage is actually harassment. It's a crime. Dude, you are so lucky Moby's cool.

But the thing I'm struggling with here is that as much as I'm offended by Eminem's behavior and his lyrics, where his insane braggadocio is actually a respite from the misogyny and homophobia, I must defend his right to speak. He is an artist and thereby entitled to his words. Yet, when those words encourage hate, belittle his fans and threaten puppets I have to ask how much is art and how much is commerce. The fact is, the guy sells records and a great deal of them are to kids.

But, it's not Eminem's responsibility to monitor who listens to his music, it's the parent's. Of course it is. But the "Parent's job" reasoning has become hollow, a way of deflecting our own responsibility in anything. It's basically a way of saying, "sure kids can hear this, but I don’t have kids, so shut up." No, I don’t have kids, but I know hate when I hear it.

Yes, I'm the guy who will say something if someone uses the word "faggot." I won't apologize for it. I had to hear that word daily growing up. I had to hear that word from my Mother. Truth be told, I don’t want anyone to have to hear that word ever again. It's ugly. And when the largest segment of your fanbase is adolescents, that word is simply unacceptable. Yes, I know, the word was used frequently while young Marshall was growing up on the streets of Detroit. It was also used frequently on the playground at Silver Lake Elementary School where I grew up. That doesn't make it okay. Hell, maybe Eminem is really saying "faggot" in an attempt to desensitize the word and thereby usher in a new era of gay acceptance. Yep, that's it. Or maybe it's just an ironic statement on the prevalance of violence in society, all this talk of killing bitches. Well, maybe it's ironic in Alanis's world.

Now, after four albums, I think it's become apparent that Eminem's use of epithets and repeated imagery of maiming, raping and killing women (including his own Mother) is not the product of an artist speaking his mind. It's schtick. It’s what sells records. It's what we've come to expect, like Henny Youngman begging us to take his wife, please. And his message seems to boil down to: I had a shitty childhood and I'm white so I'm gonna be a badass. At least Britney's message has grown over the years. She was a virgin, now she's a whore.

I don’t want to bemoan the state of our society or call for some sort of PMRC-esque boycott of the guy. I also won't pretend to have parsed every lyric he's written. All I can say is that the guy infuriates me, he's not going to stop infuriating me and it honestly surprises me that he doesn't infuriate more people. And here's what really pisses me off. He really is a bully, and weren't we always told that the bullies on the playground were going to have miserable adulthoods? Weren't all of us geeks supposed to be successful while the pumped gas and saved up for hairplugs? Weren't they supposed to never make more than $19,000 a year while we saw the whole damn world? Our parents lied to us.

But, something tells me, when Moby and Eminem meet up at the reunion, the geek with glasses will be the one that's still relevant and Eminem will be spending his time combing thrift stores for used Hammer pants.

But, at least we'll have Kelly Clarkson, because damn that girl is going to make it. She has to.