Tom Jones

While the Robster tears about the Corral and wreaks havoc, I decided to also pay homage to the original, swingin’est British pop icon. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the one and only…

Name: Tom Jones

Nickname: The Big TJ; Tom Terrific

Why He’s a Boyfriend: A lot of people say they love Tom Jones. They love him for his kitsch factor in this age of retro-hip. When I say I love Tom Jones, what I mean is: He’s the Minister of Cool and I worship at his altar. He isn’t a Boyfriend in the way boys like Kiefer or the Clooneyman are boyfriends. I don’t want to saddle him up and have my way with him (much). [Lois! This is a family site! -Mark] [Well, except for that movie about my sperm. -Mark] [And the cussing. -Mark] [But still, EWWWWW. -Mark] But I have been a fan of his for fifteen years, so I thought he deserved the respect of Corral residency. Plus, he lends the Corral an aura of sizzlin’ swing. His Jonesness just makes the Corral a sexier place to be. [Plus, he helps fight off the remaining Caruso-stench with his manly musk. -Mark]

Best Fansite: www.tomjones.com After years of user unfriendliness his own site is now the most hep.

Best Features: I would so love to say The Bulge. You know, the one that is always ever so subtly accentuated in his painted-on pants. But the satisfaction of hearing the collective “Ew” from everyone as they read this just doesn’t work in cyberspace. So, I’ll go with the Voice. Love him or hate him (how dare you!) you can’t deny that he sings every song with total conviction and the power of a Mac truck.

[Embarrassing Anecdote #1: Lois was for a period of more than one year, a proud, card-carrying member of the Tom Terrific Fan Club. -Mark]

Things You Must See Him In: Concert! I’ve seen him live three times. Alas, I have as yet to see him in Vegas. But one day soon, mark my words, Tom and I have a Vegas date. For now I am keeping my throwing arm in shape so my panties and hotel room key land dead center stage. [There are some times I really wish you were kidding. -Mark] Also, if you don’t own at least one Tom Jones album, stop reading now and go get yourself one.

[Embarrassing Anecdote #2: Lois, while on a trip to Los Angeles, paid their tour bus driver an extra $20 (although she admits it may have been more) to not only go out of his way to drive by Mr. Jones' house, but to stop long enough for her to run out of the van, grab a large leaf from his hedge and steal it. Said leaf is now preserved, pressed in a book and buried deep inside her hope chest. -Mark]

Piece of Work You Must Screaming From: Anyone who knows me, or even met me for more than five minutes, is aware of the bane of my existence. [Tell me about. The first words out of your mouth after I sat next to you on that bus in sixth grade were about the fucking puppets. -Mark] Why oh why does the nearly perfect The Complete Tom Jones CD have to have as its closing song the preposterous "The Young New Mexican Puppeteer"?! The hell? There are so many reasons why this is a musical miscalculation of epic proportions. It’s bad enough that the nonsensical song represent Tom’s unfortunate foray into the realm of country music. [And don’t forget the Religious overtones. -Mark] The song’s presence on this otherwise masterwork of melodic brilliance is taking up a space that should be filled be the great "With These Hands". Hell, I’d even settle for the other illogical Tom Jones ditty about a poor lad, "The Boy From Nowhere". Damn, now I’m all het up. Argh!

[Embarrassing Anecdote #3: Okay, I may have exaggerated the hope chest thing. But Lois once became so enraged at a New York Times op-ed piece comparing the violence and prison themes in Tom's work to those of Snoop Dogg that she immediately fired off a missive to the Editor of said publication. The New York Times? Is that gumption or insanity? –Mark]
{Hey, you gotta pick your battles. –Lois}

What Made Me First Love Him: I can’t say for sure what ignited the A-Tom-ic launch in my heart. But, I do remember a time, circa 1988, being in my mom’s car and listening to Tom being interviewed at the local Tower Records. He was there to promote his Kiss single. My mom thought it was cool, which made it instantly uncool to me. But, there was something about that Welsh brogue and the way he belted out his songs that just won me over. Queen, the Bee Gees, and Tom…I guess my mom did manage to balance out the years of Manilow torture.

[Embarrassing Anecdote #4: Lois has tickets with her friend Cyn to a Tom Jones concert. Lois buys "special" underwear for this occasion. More than one pair. {Which I subsequently lost. Boy, someone got a surprise that night! –Lois} Lois and Cyn burst their way to the front of the stage whereupon Lois' journey through this mortal plane is made complete when The Cucumber himself leans down and tells her, "I'll Be Right Back." True to his word, Tom returns and Lois proceeds to throw underwear at him, hoping against hope that he will wipe his sweat with it and hand it back to her to join the leaf in her ever-growing shrine. But it is Cyn who goes further. Not willing to wait for Tom, she lunges up onto the stage and tries to dip her underwear in one of the many pools of sweat left about the stage. But who is egging her on the entire time? That's right. Our Lois. I wouldn’t even get that excited about Charo. -Mark]
{Cyn didn’t get on stage. She can just reach farther. What?}

What Makes Us Perfect for Each Other: Tom is one of those iconic men – a la Shatner – who are best when put upon a pedestal and worshipped from afar. [There's a Bulge joke here, but I'm too much of a gentleman. -Mark]

Why We Probably Wouldn’t Work Out: I just can’t handle the responsibility of all those broken hearts. I can’t be the one who takes TJ off the market. No. Sorry, Tom. And don’t go singing to me to change my mind. It won’t work. Much.

Corral Main Page | Bad Tiki Home | Archive

Contact Lois Lane