|
| The Holding Pen |
Established
September 2003 |
January 9, 2005
I would be one exhausted cowgirl if I
wrangled every fella who piqued my interested. There’s a whole
herd of those boys who are way-cool, but just don’t make the
USDA grade to get themselves officially into the Corral.
It isn’t them, it’s me. They have to meet certain criteria,
of course. But there’s just no controlling that je ne c’est
quoi element that is so essential to obess...er, uh...Corral admittance.
So, I felt it only fair to give them a little area of their own,
where they can nibble fresh grass, get an occasional petting, and
hold out hope that one day – just maybe – they’ll
make the cut.
Rules for
the AlmostBoyfriend
1. He’s gotta be a fox – but
isn’t a stone fox
2. He’s gotta be talented
3. I'd cross the street for him,
but I usually forget about him the instant he’ s out of my
site
4. He has the potential to become a full-fledged Boyfriend, with
all the benefits and responsibilities therein, but, for now...
5. He lacks that elusive X-factor
ANTHONY LaPAGLIA
Love Him For: Back in the day, I thought Tony La
was just adorable in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Then he just
wasn’t around much, at least in my periphery. Now, I have
Without
a Trace, which is not only a fabulous show, but it delivers
a healthy dose of this delicious slab of man into my living room
each week. Tony La has loads of potential for a promotion into the
Corral. He’s tall, dark and intensely physical, with a sultry
whisper-gravelly voice. Is it getting warm in here? He just might
be even closer than I thought…
Doesn’t Make the Cut Because: I am still
a bit miffed that it took me years – years! – to find
out he’s Australian. How checked out am I? I guess I’m
just mostly mad at myself for that one. Still, he pretty much left
me high and dry after Axe Murderer. Yeah, you can tell me he has
50+ movies under his (ever wider - *ahem*) belt. I just haven’t
yet been motivated to sift through his cannon of work. Since spending
hours finding and watching loads of movies is a primary Boyfriend
requirement, Tony La just has to wait until I get the calling. But,
he seems like the patient type. And in the meantime I can watch
him bring the sexy Thursday nights at 10:00 (9:00/Central).
JAVIER BARDEM
Love Him For: Javier is a total sexpot. He is just
smolders and slinks and burns up the screen. He has those dreamy
heavy-lidded eyes, like the late great Raul Julia. Also like Raul
he has that rwowr physicality about him. Aside from being a major
hunk with a bod’ that won’t quit he is an incredible
actor.
Doesn’t Make the Cut Because: Javier is one
of those boys who is thisclose to being a full-fledged Boyfriend.
I just want to teach him a little lesson. What lesson, you ask?
Well, for some reason now that he’s all Oscar-nominated he
insists on playing schlubby (Days in the Sun) or, more annoying,
terminally ill (The Sea Inside) characters. I’m all for an
actor going for the challenging roles (blah, blah, blah). But, you
go back a few years and he was tossing off his clothes and hopping
into the sack in, like, every movie! C’mon, Javier…throw
us a bone. You can get naked and get an Oscar. Honest. What you
can’t do is be all blobby or pallid and get into my Corral.
RODRIGO
de la SERNA
Love Him For: His role as Argentine revolutionary
Alberto Granado in The
Motorcycle Diaries. He was so vivacious and charming in
this movie that I was like, “Che who?” by the time the
credits rolled. Seriously, you can see on my Things I’m Digging
list that I adored this movie. Rodrigo really left an impression,
and I wanted to round him up early. Unfortunately I’ve nabbed
him so early, there isn’t much to say. Just see this movie
and love him, too.
Doesn’t Make the Cut Because: Well, he has
been in two movies and I have only seen one of them (the other is
Argentinean.) Hopefully we will see more of RdlS and soon.
2003
As of this writing my main imaginary
squeeze is still Robert Peter
Maximilian Williams. Oh, I know! Can you believe the
longevity? I have been diligently working on building his US popularity.
Six people down, 292,041,756
to go.
Anyway, in an effort to a) perpetuate
my “boy crazy” reputation, b) avoid reaching stalker
status with Rob, and c) provide my gracious web host with some new
content that will sustain the masses for a while, I present a new
section of the Corral...
MATTHEW MacFADYEN
Love him for:
· His cool, steely portrayal of an agent in Her Majesty’s
Secret Service on A&E’s
MI-5 (aka Spooks in the UK). This show is required
viewing for all y’all.
· The whole delectable British accent thing.
· How well he wears a dress shirt.
Doesn’t make the cut because:
· My sister pointed out his vague John Cusack resemblance
– that is not a good thing on this ranch.
· Once MI-5 ends its run stateside, I fear poor Mr. McF.
will disappear back into BBC obscurity. I just can’t fully
give my heart to yet another Brit who’s going to leave me
high and dry here in the States.
(Psst...Hey, Powers That Be, a 24
/ MI-5 crossover would be super groovy.)
RON LIVINGSTON
Love him for:
· Office Space (“I wouldn’t say I’ve been
missing it, Bob.”) and Band of Brothers (Hey, pass the Vat
69!)
· The way he looks in faded jeans.
Doesn’t make the cut because:
· He’s just this side of goofy (and damn, is it hard
to find a good picture of him!) He’s more the cool best friend
of your boyfriend.
MARK VALLEY
Love him for:
· Keen
Eddie
· Mmm...hunky blondness
Doesn’t make the cut because:
· I only know him for Eddie, a fab show that those damn dirty
apes at Fox sent to Brilliant-But-Canceled Heaven. I hope he finds
another show for his cute blond self.
· He’s a bit pretty.
DONNIE WAHLBERG
Love him for:
· Boomtown and Band of Brothers (guess what, more
required viewing)
· I like calling him Special
Donnie, a variation on one of the funniest sitcom episodes
ever. Yeah, I know it has nothing to do with DW, but it still adds
to his appeal.
· I think it’s cute that my sister digs a New Kid.
Doesn’t make the cut because:
· He’s a bit short and has no chest hair
· I am still traumatized every time I see the NKOTB mullet.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Love him for:
· Absolutely no reason, beyond that he looks cute on the
cover of the current issue (October 2003) of GQ. But, as my pal
Pat says, “Everyone cleans up well, especially when all the
scars and welts are covered.”
Doesn’t make the cut because:
· It begins and ends with Jackass
· Oh, and he’s married, which always puts a damper
on things.
· Hey wait. Isn’t one my Rules “talent”?
Okay, never mind... just drool over his cute magazine cover shot.
|
