My friend Lois Lane is big with the celebrity crushes so I'm giving her a forum to share who she's into, who she's falling out of love with and which former famous boyfriends just need to be put down.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
In the Corral
|
New to the Corral
|
Quarantined
|
Out to Pasture
|
Ghost
Riders |
|
Sean Connery There comes a time in every imaginary celebrity relationship when one must have a parting of the ways. The reasons behind putting a stud out to pasture can occassionally be about age, but usually come down to one of three things: the imaginary celebrity boyfriend is dating a skank, the imaginary celebrity boyfriend has become a skank or the imaginary celebrity boyfriend has committed an act of artistic assault something akin to directing The Postman. The Pasture, it should be noted, is a quiet, happy place where imaginary celebrity boyfriends of old can run and frolick and eat special digestive oats. In some rare instances, a stud may have to be put down, but only in cases of hoof-rot or marrying J.Lo. Sean Connery. My most famous and longest crush. Hmm…so many fond memories. We even had a “meet-cute”. 1987, the tiny island town of Ucluelet, Vancouver Island, BC. I am frozen to the bone and recovering from seasickness after the worst whale watching tour ever. The Perfect Storm? May have been based on that trip. [Which reminds me, Lois. When are you getting around to that Bill Finchtner piece? - Mark] Anyway, my sister and I were huddled on dingy couches in a blechy hotel room, when Darby O’Gill and the Little People came on TV. Oh, God. I had died and gone to hell. What was this freaky hallucination of a movie? All I could ask was, “Who’s the geek with the eyebrows?” My sister looked at me with utter disbelief. “That’s Sean Connery!” A fact completely lost on me. His mammoth brows and his goofy singing voice left me thoroughly unimpressed and a bit scarred. Well, then some 30 years after running around after leprechauns, he got himself cast opposite another out to pasture boyfriend Harrison Ford (That story is still a bit to painful to recount - yet. But, come to think of it, we met in a hotel, too) [by God, you're a ho.] in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Well then, if he was deemed worthy enough to play the father of one of the greatest boyfriends, maybe there was more to this Connery fellow than I thought. See, fellas, it is sometimes that easy to get into the Corral. Just make a movie with a current beau and you, too, could prance around the stalls. Except you, Tom Cruise. Quit asking, it will never happen. I was on a quest to see as see as many of his movies as I could, because I apparently have always been a bit of an obsesso. [Apparently] And this was before the IMDb or DVDs, so I had my work cut out for me. Turns out he made a bit of a name for himself playing some James Bond character. Yeah, okay, I know. I should have been aware of this fact, aware of Sean in general. But I grew up thinking George Michael was straight and hadn’t even seen Raiders of the Lost Ark. I was a bit sheltered. Sean, the old boy, had a good run. Many a viewing of Goldfinger, too many viewings of The Presidio (twice in the theater!), [Thanks again.] the art house showing of The Man Who Would be King I dragged my mom and sister to (such good enablers), The Hunt for Red October - *sigh*. Oh, and the thrill when he was People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Eek! Then the signs started appearing. I went
to see Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for his uncredited
one minute cameo – at the end of the movie! This was not healthy.
But, since I get my kicks by getting my kicks, I continued to pretend things were okay. Sure, other boyfriends had come and gone to catch my fancy. I just clung to the belief that Sean was my constant. Even though I was subjecting myself to movies like The Rock, Dragonheart (a dragon’s voice!) and Just Cause - which was so boring I forgot for a few years that I had actually seen it in the theater! I thought maybe we had a glimmer of hope in Entrapment. But Catherine Zeta Jones did her best to destroy that chance. So, wow. It wasn’t until just now, as I’ve recounted our – okay my – love affair that I really realize it’s over. Yes, he was a great boyfriend. Yes, I still get a pang in my grinchy little heart when I see him. The first boyfriend to exit the Corral,
honorably, now rules the Pasture and will always be my original
main squeeze. It brings a tear to the eye…
|
Opinions
expressed in Lois Lane's Imaginary Celebrity Boyfriend Corral are
solely those of Lois Lane and do not reflect those of Bad Tiki or
its owner. Lois Lane is not a professional celebrity stalker, she
is just an enthusiastic young woman with internet access and occasionally
dubious taste in men. |
