Week of September 8, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Miracle at the Mall. It's Celestia's turn with the carpool and she has a vital deposition to take at the office. But, when the voice of God tells her to heal the lepers, she must choose between her family, her career and her calling. John Ritter guest stars as Bob, the Leper. Celestia: Anne Heche.

Strange Bedfellows. In a hilarious episode told from two different perspectives simultaneously via split screen, Danny and Dave (Hal Sparks and Kerr Smith) wake up in the same bed. As they try to piece together the events of the night before, the sleeping arrangements become the least of their worries when their neighbor accuses them of snatching his poodle and a cadre of Columbian drug lords come looking for their leader. Will Ferrell guest stars.

Hot Tamales. After the Palace lawyers declare the marriage valid, Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) accepts his fate by sharing a bottle of gin with the Prime Minister (Hugh Laurie). Meanwhile, Lola (Charo) tries to appeal to the Queen by making tamales for the family, but hilarity ensues when she loses the crown jewels in the masa. Queen: Maggie Smith

Canis Horribilis . When a rich client (John Larroquette) seeks the clinic's health in proving his poople, Dimples, didn't kill a neighbor's shih tzu, Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek) and Dr. Grainger (Shannen Doherty) put differences aside to prove him innocent. But once they obtain immunity for Dimples, a darker truth emerges on the stand, implicating a recuperating Sparkles, who Dr. Gwen (Racquel Welch) thinks may be gay. Judge Hiller: Linda Hunt

The Case of the Junk Bond Junkie. When Enrique’s (Eddie Cibiran) brother is found dead, the police declare it an accident. But, Larry and the Lemur (Danny Devito, Jon Voight) suspect otherwise, leading them to a billionaire with a drug habit and suburban mother with a sexy secret. Meanwhile, Cassidy (Hayden Panettiere) is flunking Gym. Ken Howard and Lauren Tewes guest star.

Murder In Monte Carlo. When Uncle Jimmy (Rip Torn) becomes obsessed with the hotel room murder of a European billionaire, Paris and Nicky (The Hilton Sisters) travel to Monte Carlo to investigate. After a rousing game of bacarat, a jacuzzi orgy, and a quickly anulled marriage to a Saudi prince, they make a couple calls. But, will Uncle Jimmy, or his editor (Goerge Plimpton) be satisfied wih the results of the investigation?

Forget Me Not. In a very special episode of Dude, Where’s My Rascal, Sully (Abe Vigoda) falls for Agnes (Guest Star Shelley Winters) but worries when she keeps forgetting their dates. Phil and Dottie (Ed Asner, Frances Sternhagen) tell him to keep his distance, but Sully is in love. Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) must finally teach the gang a heart-breaking lesson.

Admissions. Serendipity (Broadway legend Carol Channing) gets a job in the admissions office, giving her the opportunity to read Chad's entrance essay. But when she finds out he thinks of her as a "third Grandma", she seeks solace in the arms of a young artist (guest star Simon Rex). Chad: Jesse Bradford.

Soccer Mom Sex Addict: The Debbie Moriarty Story

(2002) In this story inspired by actual events, Meredith Baxter-Birney stars as Minnesota housewife Debbie Moriarty, whose husband (John Getz) leaves her for a younger woman. Consumed with doubts about her self-worth, she hires a hustler (Daniel Cosgrove) and falls into a spiral of paid sex and debauched parties. But, when she is accused of a murder, only her daughter (Tracey Gold) can save her.

This week: Wheelbarrows: are they safe? The miraculous story of a Wisconsin woman who lost a hand in a combine. Demi Moore: She was on a soap! And in The Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks the question: What is it with women and the toilet seat?

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