Week of September 22, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Opening Doors. At a cocktail party, Celestia (Anne Heche) meets a famous comedienne, Sandra (Lisa Darr) who happens to live in a house she once rented. But when Sandra comes out of the closet, Celestia decides to join her. Meanwhile one of the kids gets a monkey for no discernible reason.

 

Out and About. Dave and Danny are thrilled to make dates with two attractive women. Hilarity ensues when it turns out to be a different kind of double date. Meanwhile, Danny (Hal Sparks) must calm his mother (Delta Burke) down when his picture appears in Gay Times. Waiter: Gilbert Gottfired.

The Boy Is Mine. Lola (Charo) plans a romantic evening for her and Charlie (Charlie Hunnam), but the plan goes awry when her niece, a sexy Latina superstar (Guest Star Shakira) arrives and sets her sights on the Prince. Lola enlists the Queen’s (Maggie Smith) help is getting rid of the interloper. A shimmy-off commences.

Trials and Tribulations. When Dr. Torres (Salma Hayeck) is put on trial for malpractice in the death of a pot-bellied pig, the clinic rallies behind her. When they hire attorney Bobby Donnell, an old friend of Sparkles, things look hopeful. But, when the judge turns out to be an old sorority sister of Dr. Gwen's (Raquel Welch), old grievances and post-menopausal sexiness threaten to derail the case. (Dylan McDermott, Camryn Manheim and Holland Taylor of The Practice guest star.)

The Case of the Lady Who's a Tramp. While The Lemur (Jon Voight) recovers from an eye-job, Enrique (Eddie Cibrian) and Lica (Lainie Kazan) grow closer over the Rogers and Hart songbook. Meanwhile, Larry (Danny DeVito) enlists the kids' help in solving the murder of a young prostitute.

Whatever Happened to Baby Michelle? When their California cousins (Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen) stop by for a visit, Paris and Nicky (The Hilton Sisters) take them on a whirlwind tour. But when the more talented and interesting twin is found murdered, Uncle Jimmy has only one suspect.

The Doctor's Office. Sully, Phil and Dottie are trapped in a doctor's office, waiting for their colonscopies. When Sully (Abe Vigoda) agonizes over a bad date the night before, Dottie (Frances Sternhagen)finds a tissue issue in the ladies restroom. And the nurse can’t seem to pronounce Phil's (Ed Asner) name.

Rod McCarthy (Part One). As her relationship with Mordecai (Samm Levine) continues to deepen, Serendipity (Carol Channing) is frustrated when an old flame named Rod (Rip Taylor) arrives in New York and lavishes her with presents. And confetti. She attempts to get help from Chad (Jesse Bradford) but he comes to see Rod's point of view. Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) struggles with a Chemistry exam.

I Touched Princess Di: The Angela Harper Story

(2002) The story of the romance between Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Fayed is told through the eyes of a Wisconsin housewife (Donna Mills) who once brushed against the Princess's foot at an Elton John concert. Pop Singer John appears as himself, performing a new rendition of "Bennie and the Jets" about the Princess. (Part Two airs Tuesday)

This Week: Hammocks: are they safe? Colin Farrell: So very Irish! The harrowing story of a woman who lost a pinky in a brewing machine. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks, "What's the deal with cats and dogs?"
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