Week of September 15, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Close Encounters.When Celestia makes a date with a handsome single father (Ted McGinley), she worries that it will be ruined by her kids problems, a hectic court case and the impending arrival of the Mother Ship. But her new beau may have a divine secret of his own.

Gay Like Me.When Danny and Dave need extra money for Rush tickets, they take jobs as cater-waiters. But, when their new boss discovers them hitting on the waitresses, they face hilarious discrimination. Variety hailed this episode as “on television at some point.”

The Little People. Lola (Charo)introduces the Queen (Maggie Smith)to the art of slumming as they disguise themselves and visit a shopping mall. But, when a tabloid reporter (Guest Star Simon Cowell) finds then trying on pumps at Thom McCan, it’s up to Prince Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) to save them.

The Cow Jumps Over the Loon. After being acquitted, Sparkles continues to struggle to regain his bark. When a talking parakeet appears to her in a waking dream and tells her she needs a man, Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek) seeks the help of a quirky psychologist (Caroline Rhea). Dr Grainger (Shannen Doherty) and Dr. DiPesto (Portia Di Rossi) clash when Dr. Gwen (Racquel Welch) uses a cow to incubate her test tube baby.

The Case of the Stolen Spotlight. As Brandon (David Gallagher) prepares for his first date, Larry and the Lemur (Danny DeVito, Jon Voight) investigate the suspicious death of Lica’s manager which has sent the diva into a tailspin. Angie Dickinson begins the first of several appearances as Lica’s rival, Babette. Lica: Lainie Kazan.

Bad Blarney. When a quickly-rising young actor turns out to be less Irish than he pretends to be, the sisters (Paris and Nicky Hilton) struggle with whether to tell the truth to a tabloid or get high on E. Meanwhile, Uncle Jimmy (Rip Torn) is still obsessed with the murder in Monte Carlo and believes the Cosa Nostra may have caused killed a missing intern after a chance meeting with a Sheik.

Three For the Road. Seeing an opportunity, Phil steals his son’s van and takes Dottie and Sully on a wild 45 mph road trip. But when the car breaks down at a scenic viewpont, only Dottie’s feminine wiles can save them from a State Trooper (John Ritter) who wants to know what's in the glove box.

Upwordsed. Chad and Serendipity are brought closer together after they are mugged, but she is faced with a choice when her Resident Adviser, Mordecai (Samm Levine) makes his feelings for her known over a vocabulary game. Meanwhile, Serendipity gets a new neighbor named Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) who teaches her the art of Hip-Hop.

Minimum Security, Maximum Heat

(2002) Joanna Kerns gives a richly nuanced performance as Jenny, a widowed mother whose romance with a charming financier (Phillip Casnoff) leads her into a web of illicit drugs and insider trading. Wrongly convicted, she finds herself in a prison with other female white collar criminals. Park Overall co-stars as a saucy cell-mate who gives Jenny a helping hand. Lois: Conchatta Ferrell.

This week: Porch swings: Are they safe? Matthew McConnaughey: He’s still alive! The harrowing story of a man who lost an ear in a cotton gin. And in The Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks: airplane food, what’s the deal?
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