Week of September 1, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Pilot. Celestia (Anne Heche) makes partner at her law firm the same day her husband (Guest Star Christopher MacDonald) leaves her for a young postmistress. Now she must juggle her 8 kids, including surly teenager Gwen (Brittany Snow), with housework and a career. But the voice in her head tells her she has an even more divine mission. Voice of God: Peter MacNichol

Pilot. Danny (Kerr Smith) and Dave (Hal Sparks) arrive in West Hollywood intent on making it in show business. They luck into plum jobs at a talent agency. But, when their powerful new boss (Harvey Fierstein) mistakes them for a couple, they decide they either must play along or return to Omaha.

Pilot. After a night spent carousing in Las Vegas, Prince Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) wakes up married to Lola (Charo), a spicy showgirl twice his age. As he tries to get out of the marriage, Lola makes herself at home in Buckingham Palace, rankling the Queen of England (Maggie Smith).

Pilot. Shannen Doherty returns to network television in this latest series from David E. Kelley. On her first day at the Boston Veterinary Clinic, Dr. Maria Torres (Salma Hayek) clashes with the staff, offends the patients and inadvertently teaches a parrot an obscenity. But, when a homeless dog named Sparkles wanders in, the staff must work as a team to save his life. Also starring Portia DiRossi and Racquel Welch as Dr. Gwen.

Pilot: Dr. Larry Wasilewski (Danny DeVito) balances his job as a world-renowned plastic surgeon with being a single father to three young children. But, when one of his nurses turns up dead, it’s up to his best patient, concert promoter Dave “The Lemur” Visitor (John Voight) and his torch singing wife (Lainie Kazan) to solve the mystery and clear Larry’s name.

Pilot. Paris and Nicky (Nicky and Paris Hilton) love a good party. But when, in a story inspired by actual events, someone crashes an SUV into 15 people at a Hamptons rave, the sisters discover they also love a good mystery. With the help of their eccentric Uncle Jimmy (Rip Torn), they set out to find the culprit before happy hour. Tizzie Guber: Mayim Bialik.

Pilot. After being kicked out of their retirement home
for excessive partying, Sully (Abe Vigoda) and Phil (Edward Asner) move in to Shady Oaks and start turning the place on its ear. While Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) tries to maintain order, the residents warm to Sully’s care-free attitude. Meanwhile, Phil catches the eye of a merry widow named Dottie (Frances Sternhagen).

PIlot. When her favorite volunteer at the community center, Chad (Jesse Bradford), graduates from high school and heads for college, Serendipity Horton (Carol Channing) makes a decision to follow her heart. Even though she is the oldest matriculated student at the University of Manahattan, she makes fast friends with a quirky R.A. (Samm Levine) and clashes with her wild roommate (Amanda Foreman). But Chad seems less than happy to see her. Each episode begins with an elaborate dance number, sung to her former nurse, Sally (Voice of Kathy Griffin).

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger 2: Dead Reckoning

(2002) Tori Spelling returns as Laurel Lewisohn is this sequel to the 1996 hit. This time, it’s her Mother (Lisa Banes) who needs help when her boyfriend (James Brolin) seems to be more than he appears. Laurel must put aside the demons of the past as she seeks help from her worldly grandmother (Katherine Helmond).

This week: Car seats: are they safe? The miraculous story of a Nebraska man who lost a toe in a thresher. Charlize Theron: She’s from South Africa! And in his weekly color segment, The Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks the question: Postage stamps, why are they so sticky?
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