Bad Tiki Network - Weekly Listings

Week of May 25, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Baptism By Fire. As Jesus (Seth Green) summons his power to fight Lucifer (Ted McGinley), Judas (Timm Sharp) helps John the Baptist (J.K. Simmons) prepare for the ceremony. But when Pontius (Marc Blucas) chases a distraught Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) into the line of fire, not everyone may survive. The first season of the Heavenly teen drama draws to a close with a thrilling victory and a poignant goodbye.

Love With the Proper Roommate. As Danny (Hal Sparks) prepares to marry a woman he doesn't love, Dave (Kerr Smith) tries to muster the courage to admit his feelings to his best friend. There's only one person who can bring these two together: Sven, the illiterate, cross-dressing dog walker. Will Ferrell returns in the romantic series finale that moves from sunny Los Angeles to rustic Vermont.

The Love Ship, Part Two. In the one-hour season finale, Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) finally reveals Damien's (Clive Owen) womanizing ways, aided by the Captain's daughter (Jill Whelan). With the help of the ship's Purser (Fred Grandy), The Prince prepares a romantic luau on the Lido deck in order to ask Lola to marry him. But, when a shady reporter (Simon Cowell) shows a videotape of their original ceremony, Charlie may change his mind. Will Lola and Charlie finally find true happiness? Will the Queen finally accept Lola as a true Princess? Will Gopher finally profess his love to Julie? Don’t miss the shocking cliff-hanger of an ending.

Dogfight, Part Two. In the thought-provoking conclusion to the first season, the clinic acts fast to stop the melee caused when Sparkles parents see each other for the first time since his father abandoned his mother. Dr. Gwen (Raquel Welch) receives notice of a lawsuit filed by the family of the deceased Dr. Grainger which threatens to close the clinic. Dr. Ventura (Tiffani Thiessen) tends to a traumatized Sparkles while Dr. DiPesto (Portia DiRossi) and Dr. Simpkins (Gretchen Mol) share a steamy kiss.

Vegas, Part Two. After booking themselves the Honeymoon Suite, Vicki (Katie Holmes) and Jake (Eddie Cahill) try to take their relationship to the next lever but Jake's proprietary UNIX-based system may not be compatible with Vicki's older, PASCAL programming. Vicki soon finds out that the one person who can write the necessary patch is the person she least wants to talk to about sex: her father. Lance Henricksen guests as Ted Lawson.

DeathKill will not be seen tonight so we may bring you the BTN Summer Showcase featuring previews of some of the new shows we'll be premiering this summer, including the long-awaited sequel Occasional Widow, Brenda Strong and Shane West in the hilarious comedy Ordinary People: The Series, and the highly anticipated Seventh Heaven spin-off Camdens On the Castro.

The End, Part Two. Their nuptials interrupted by Sully's declaration of love, Phil and Dottie struggle to figure out their relationship. Reeling from Dottie's rejection, Sully seeks solace in arms of comely new resident Florence (Phyllis Diller). But when Nurse Betty accidentally enjoys some of Sully's secret stash, the lives at Shady Oaks may change forever.

A Song In Her Heart. After hearing Chad (Jesse Bradford) and Mordecai (Samm Levine) profess their love to her, Serendipity (Carol Channing) makes an agonizing choice. In a special, all-musical episode the cast remembers the year that's past and looks toward the future. And Serendipity makes the most important choice of her life. Standout numbers include Tertiary Black Character's (Elise Neal) tender rendition of "Mister Cellophane" and an appearance by the Broadway Cast of The Lion King as Chad remembers his addiction to dog-track betting in song.

Carter: The Rise of Malaise

(2003) John Larroquette stars in this stirring, two-part miniseries depicting the life and loves of the 39th President. Beginning with his childhood years on the peanut farm and concluding with his infamous Playboy interview. Also starring Vanessa Redgrave as Mother Carter, Julianna Margulies as Rosaline, Buffy's Michelle Trachtenberg as Amy, Louis Gossett, Jr. as Anwar Sadat, and Jack Black as Billy Carter. Yeah, okay, it's not that funny. In fact, it sounds almost good. Thank God it's the end of the season.

This Week: The Best of Bad Tiki News Magazine. Is anything safe? A Retrospective. A celebration of Colin Farrell: drunk, horny and Irish. The harrowing story of putting together a clip show for a news magazine that doesn't exist. And in the Dunk Tank: Brian Dunkleman asks: What the hell does flying without wings mean anyway? That song's shit.