Week of April 20, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

The Flood (Part Two). As Nazareth deals with the results of the devastating flood, Jesus (Seth Green) faces the consequences of saving Pontius (Marc Blucas) and not Maggie (Bianca Kajlich), who discovers she is now blind. The marital tension between Joseph and Mary (Tom Wopat and Jean Smart) heats up. And a heartbroken Judas (Timm Sharp) vows revenge against Lucifer (Ted McGinley).

 

Week Six. As Ben and Nuktu await Derek's decision, The Confirmed Bachelor reels from his parents recent reconciliation. But, in what Producers are calling a shocking twist, Derek's two suitors may be more interested in each other than in him, leading to a cliff-side ceremony fraught with romance and pathos. The finale is immediately followed by a Where Are They Now special which reveals an odd relationship between the three Tim's and features much sobbing by the ousted Enrique. Host: Martha Quinn.

Whatever Lola Wants. Seeing Lola (Charo) falling in love with Damien (Clive Owen) causes Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) to ponder setting his bride free, even though it may mean losing his chance to be King. The Queen (Maggie Smith) becomes so preoccupied with her new paramour (Derek Jacobi) she forgets to sign an important proclamation leading to the possible secession of Scotland. But when Lola begins to see signs of jealousy in Charlie, she begins to wonder if her husband may really love her after all.

First Do No Harm. David E. Kelley's veterinary clinic drama deals with the loss of two original cast members in this taut installment. Still grieving from the death of Dr. Grainger (Shannen Doherty) and the departure of Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek), Dr. Gwen (Raquel Welch) begins to interview replacement vets. Sparkles the dog is revealed to have been attending night classes and receives his License to practice but is immediately stymied by age old hatred when he is asked to operate on a cat. Meanwhile, Drs. Simpkins and DiPesto (Gretchen Mol and Portia DiRossi) try their hands at speed dating and end up fighting over the same guy (James Marsden), a sexy kitty-litter scientist.

Batteries Not Included. When Jed (C. Thomas Howell) sends the staff on an inspirational retreat, Vicki (Katie Holmes) worries about being away from her re-charger for full weekend. Meanwhile, Howard (Wallace Langham) is unnerved by Harriet's (Jenna von Oÿ) constant attempts at seduction. But it's up to Sassy (Stacey Dash) to save the day when Vicki's batteries run out during a wacky team-building adventure on the ropes course.

 

Barnstorm. Jed (David Caruso) and Billy (Kiefer Sutherland) are hot on the trail of a mob boss (Guest Star Jon Polito) when they find themselves stranded in Amish country and must blend in with the rustic surroundings. But, during a routine harvest, old differences between the partners come to a head, leading to an uttered profanity and an unsettling look at the Amish judicial system.

In Da Hizzouse. As Sully (Abe Vigoda) debates telling Dottie (Frances Sternhagen) about his feelings, Phil (Ed Asner) is paid a visit by his old dealer, Tiberius (Snoop Dogg) who needs a big favor involving a trip to Mexico. Meanwhile, Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) clashes with the ward's new helper monkey.

Get Here. American Idol's Justin Guarini guest stars as Serendipity's (Carol Channing) great nephew who comes to New York seeking fame, but ends up falling for Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal). Mordecai and Chad (Samm Levine and Jesse Bredford) decide to try being roommates, but their feelings for Serendipity lead to tension. In the end, Guarin and Serendipity team up for a rousing rendition of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" that threatens to literally bring down the house.

Hop On Pop

(2003) In the tradition of Gulliver's Travels and The Odyssey, producer Robert Halmi, Sr. uses lush production values and expensive location shooting to bring Dr. Seuss's epic classic to life. Liam Neeson stars as Pop in this 5-night television event. Also starring: Ned Beatty, Helena Bonham-Carter, Martin Short, Ernie Sabella, Sir Michael Gambon, Jean Stapleton and Rory Culkin.


This Week: Suspenders: are they safe? A special Bad Tiki News Investigation: Jennifer and Scott, What Went Wrong. The harrowing story of a Minnesota housewife who overcame her crippling fear of talking dough creatures to win the Pillsbury Bake-Off. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks: Seriously, what about the children?
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