Week of April 13, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

The Flood (Part One). Lucifer's (Ted McGinley) grand design comes into focus as the students of Nazareth High prepare for the Prom. After their steamy after-hours session in the Bazaar, Jesus (Seth Green) assumes that Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) will be his date for the big event, but her feelings for Pontius (Marc Blucas) continue to linger. Mary (Jean Smart) finally reveals to Joseph (Tom Wopat) that although Jesus is the son of God, he wasn't exactly conceived on the first try. Meanwhile, Judas (Timm Sharp) falls for Cleo, the new exchange student from Egypt (International Pop Sensation Ashanti), not realizing she is really Lucifer in disguise. But everything is interrupted by a great flood, the results of which are destined to change many lives. (Part One of Two)

 

Week Five. Matthew, Ben and Nuktu reel from Enrique's stunning, profanity-laden dismissal Derek frets over the impending arrival of his divorced parents. Swim instructor Matthew offends Derek's NASCAR-loving stepfather with an offhand comment about boning Jeff Gordon. Eskimo fitness instructor Nuktu makes a good impression on Derek's stepmother, earning the ire of his Mother. And while in the sauna, human resources recruiter Ben makes a shocking discovery about Derek's parents.

The Lola Incident. While touring a Royal Naval submarine, Lola accidentally starts a war with Portugal. As the government deals with the snafu, The Queen (Maggie Smith) sets her eye on the new Foreign Secretary (Derek Jacobi). And his attaché (Clive Owen) sets his sights on Lola, much to a lovesick Charlie's dismay. Will Charlie be able to confess his love to his wife before she finds comfort in the arms of another man?

The Claws Come Out. The clinic reels after a routine de-clawing goes horribly wrong and costs Dr. Grainger (Shannen Doherty) her life. Dr. DiPesto (Portia Di Rossi) finds comfort in a bottle of horse tranquilizers while Dr. Simpkins (Gretchen Mol) blames herself. Dr. Torres (Recent Oscar-nominee Salma Hayek) soon makes a startling announcement about her future with the clinic. And while Dr. Gwen moves to have the cat that attacked Grainger put down, Sparkles fights nobly to spare his life, consulting lawyer Jimmy Berludi (The Practice star Michael Badalucco) and taking the matter to court.

Love XP. Vicki (Katie Holmes) is shocked when her former fiancé (Big Blue) arrives claiming to have been reprogrammed to love her, but his presence threatens to expose her secret to the staff. Harriet (Jenna von Oÿ). continues her quest to expose Vicki, but is sidetracked by a mad crush on the oblivious Howard (Wallca Langham). Meanwhile, Sassy (Stacey Dash) and Mrs. Brindle (Edie McClurg) clash over the upkeep of the office fridge.

 

Skate Fakes. Jeb (David Caruso) and Billy (Kiefer Sutherland) go deep undercover into the world of competitive skateboarding to expose a counterfeiting ring. Billy's surfing experience makes him a natural, but Jeb's lack of coordination leads to a hilarious training montage. But it's no laughing matter when their cover is blown on the halfpipe and they must skate for their lives.

A New Man. After they are both forgotten by the staff in the back of the activity van, Dottie (Frances Sternhagen) and Sully (Abe Vigoda) discover a deep connection. But, when she returns to her boyfriend, Phil (Ed Asner), the feelings continue for Sully. After consulting with Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers), Sully makes an agonizing decision to follow his heart. BUt will he remember to do it in the morning?

Guess Who's Coming to the Dining Hall. A nervous Serendipity (Carol Channing) prepares to meet Mordecai's (Samm Levine) parents (Guest stars Richard Lewis and Fran Drescher) while her boyfriend worries how she will react to them. Chad (Jesse Bradford) needs the help of Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) in order to pass his Chemistry mid-term, but her focus is on the new Dorm Director (Taye Diggs).

A Letter to Three Wives

(2003) Yasmine Bleeth, Tiffani Thiessen and Jenni Garth star in this remake of the 1940's Joseph L. Mankiewicz classic. Jordan (Bleeth), a successful Neurosurgeon, Chantelle (Thiessen), a famed civil rights attorney and Dezree (Garth), a millionaire maven of personal style, each receive an e-mail from their friend Sandy (Vanessa Marcil) claiming to have run off with one of their husbands, but they won’t know until that night. As the three friends reminisce about their relationships, they also work to bring down a mafia money-laundering scheme and start a nationwide car-seat recall.

This Week: Sporks: Are the safe? Catherina Zeta-who? The heart-warming story of a lonely Veteran and the kitten that changed his life. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman discusses the War. And pudding.
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