Week of March 31, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Love Among the Pomegranites. When Jesus (Seth Green) and Maggie (Bianca Kjalich) find themselves locked in the Bazaar overnight, old issues and new feelings emerge, leading to a passionate kiss. A new girl in Nazareth (Meredith Monroe) catches Judas's eye. And Lucifer (Ted McGinley) tells Pontius (Marc Blucas) about his destiny.

Week Four. It's down to four as Enrique, Ben, Matthew and Nuktu compete for a yachting expedition with Derek by playing a marathon session of the card game Suck and Blow. Meanwhile, Derek's best friend Mindy arrives to meet the contestants but instead makes a last ditch effort to win Derek for herself. During some downtime, Nuktu and Enrique clash over the correct method for doing Pilates.

Everybody Says I Love You. Prince Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) tries to find the right time to tell Lola (Charo) how he really feels about her. But a case of mistaken identity finds him confessing his love to a baffled Prime Minister (Hugh Laurie) and sends Lola into the arms of a Palace Guard (Jeremy Northam). Meanwhile, the Queen (Maggie Smith) has a disastrous first date with a Spanish Duke (Paul Scofield).

Family. As Sparkles and his brother, Butch (Mr. Winkle) bond in the kennel, Dr. Simpkins (Gretchen Mol) works furiously to prove their familial connection. Dr. Gwen (Raquel Welch) is being sued by the owner of a gerbil with sexual dysfunction. And Drs. Torres and Grainger (Salma Hayek and Shannen Doherty) clash over kitty litter. American Idol reject Jim Verraros begins a five week stint as a vet's assistant with a secret.

Deep Sixed. Mrs. Brindle (Edie McClurg) is visited by her daughter, Harriet (Jenna von Oÿ). Once Harriet learns that Vicki (Katie Holmes) is in town, she decides to stay and prove once and for all that there is something not right with that girl. Howard (Wallace Langham) catches Harriet's eye, making Sassy (Stacey Dash) surprisingly jealous. Meanwhile, Vicki's habit of spending the morning meeting playing Tetris in her head causes her to miss out on some vital information, and leaves her vulnerable to Harriet's sneak attack.

 

The Big Drag. Billy (Kiefer Sutherland) spends some time in hot water when he dons a wig and some falsies and goes undercover to bring down a gang of lesbian race car thieves. Jeb (David Caruso) has to think fast when Billy winds up in a Jacuzzi with the sultry, same-sex oriented ringleader (Jaime Presley).

The Painted Desert. Dottie (Frances Sternhagen) is diagnosed with Glaucoma and thus given a very potent prescription. After a night of partying with Sully and Phil (Abe Vigoda and Edward Asner), they find themselves in Tucson with no idea how they got there or how to get home. Luckily, guest star Phyllis Diller is there to help.

Alone Time. Serendipity (Carol Channing) and Mordecai (Samm Levine) spend a weekend in the Hamptons with the intent of consumating their relationship. But things go awry when an increasing frazzled Chad (Jesse Bradford) shows up with Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) and returning guest star Rip Taylor in tow.

Chocolate Chip Cosa Nostra

(2003) Joanna Kerns and Valerie Bertinelli star as two soccer moms whose burgeoning cookie business is menaced by mob boss Obese Anthony (Vincent Pastore). But, when Sally (Kerns) falls for a sexy young hitman (Jason Cerbone), the two friends find themselves on opposite sides of a gang war, a fight which only one woman can survive.

This Week: Bagel Slicers: Are they safe? Chow Yun-Fat's sizzling Spring recipes. The harrowing story of a man with no shoes who met a man with no feet. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman sings the praises of the Funky Cold Medina.
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