Week of February 1, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Jezebel. It's time for Nazareth's annual Winter Carnival and Jesus (Seth Green) wants to take a hayride with Maggie (Bianca Kajlich). But Lucifer (Ted McGinley) has other plans when he introduces Jesus to Jezebel (guest star Jessica Simpson). Joseph (Tom Wopat) continues to needle Mary (Jean Smart) about the true identity of Jesus' father. Maggie begins to suspect that Pontius (Marc Blucas) may be dyslexic.

Week Three: With the Tims and Steve gone, the house is a calmer place for Derek and the eight remaining suitors. A game of I Never leads to a stunning declaration of virginity by go-go dancer Enrique. Devon has another crying jag about the lack of attention Derek pays him. Swim instructor Matthew tells Derek he loves him in the Jacuzzi and gets only tongue in return. And Nuktu teaches Ben a thing or two about Eskimo kisses. Derek struggles when it comes time to cut the group in half.

A Royal Pain. Dame Judi Dench returns as Princess Jane in this spirited outing. The Queen's (Maggie Smith) younger sister has taken up with a young man (Christian Bale) 30 years her junior and nobody is happy about it except for Lola (Charo). Meanwhile, Charlie's (Charlie Humman) father (James Wilby) pressures him about producing an heir to the throne, much to Lola's delight.

Cat Scratch Fever. While Dr. Gwen (Raquel Welch) tends to an emotionally drained Sparkles, the rest of the clinic deals with an unexpected kitten boom. Dr. Simpkins (Gretchen Mol) clashes with Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek) over whether to tell a woman (Brenda Strong) that her prized Calico's litter were sired not by a pedigreed stud, but a black tabby from across the street. But everything is thrown into a chaos when a tiny, adorable dog wanders in, claiming to be Sparkles' brother. Mr. Winkle guest stars.

Robot Love. On the eve of her 25th birthday, Vicki's (Katie Holmes) long-dormant sexuality chip lurches into overdrive in the middle of the moring meeting. As Sassy (Stacey Dash) struggles to keep the randy Vicky in check, Howard (Wallace Langham) becomes suspicious when the out-of-control android begins humping his leg.

 

A Surfer Among Us. Jeb (David Caruso) and Billy (Kiefer Sutherland) go undercover as Hasidic Jews to ferret out the culprit in a ring of car thefts. But while visiting the gym with the suspected ring-leader (Jeff Kober), Billy must think fast to save Jeb's life when a group shower reveals there is more to Jeb than his pants reveal. (Due to partial nudity, coarse language and violence, viewer discretion is advised)

Animal Lust. As the residents of Shady Oaks prepare for their annual Presidents' Day trip to Zoo, Sully (Abe Vigoda) and Phil (Edward Asner) plot to ditch the tour for a trip to an adult bookstore. But, when the run into Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) in the backroom, no one can escape with their dignity.

The S Word. As Winter Quarter begins, Serendipity (Carol Channing) and Mordecai (Samm Levine) discuss taking their relationship to the next level, requiring a visit to the student health center and an awkward conversation with a baffled nurse (Brenda Strong). Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) competes for a single room in the dorm. And Chad (Jesse Bradford) loses his tuition money at the dog track.

Zbornak, Texas Ranger

(2003) When Stan goes missing, Dorothy Zbornak (Beatrice Arthur) travels to Texas to solve the mystery, leaving her husband (Leslie Nielsen) behind. After being deputized by D.C. Parker (Noble Willingham) she travels from Houston to Amarillo, stopping for cheesecake with Alex Walker (Sheree J. Wilson) along the way. But, when she begins to suspect the lutefisky hand of Rose Nylund (Betty White), she has only one person to turn to for help: Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan) See Poster

This Week: Bread Machines: Are they safe? Lisa Marie Presley's rules for a successful marriage. The harrowing story of a penguin who traveled from Antarctica to Greenland in search of love. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman announces: "Yeah, okay, I'd fuck Seacrest. Shut up. No, seriously, shut up."
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