Week of December 8, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

It's My Party. There's a bright star overhead and shepherds, sheep and wise men are flocking in from the countryside. But on his birthday, all Jesus (Seth Green) cares about is getting Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) to go with him to the Winter Formal. Unfortunately, she still has her sights set on Pontius (Marc Blucas). Mary (Jean Smart) frets about how to let the three Kings know that what she really wants are a pair of slipper socks, not Myrrh. And Lucifer (Ted McGinley) becomes the new principal at Nazareth High.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Finkelstein. Danny and Dave (Hall Sparks and Kerr Smith) learn a lesson in giving when each makes an ironic sacrifice to buy the other a gift. Meanwhile, Lenny's (Harvey Fierstein) mother (Anne Bancroft) pays a visit and he needs the guys' help in convincing her he's not still single.

Muy Familia. As the Palace hosts the Christmas Jubilee, The Queen (Maggie Smith) welcomes her two crabby sisters (Judy Dench and Joan Plowright) and their various lapdogs for the holiday. Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) confronts his deadbeat father (James Wilby) and his future stepmother (Serena Scott-Thomas) when they treat Lola (Charo) poorly. But, when she holds her own against the snooty couple, Charlie realizes he hopes to find his wife under the mistletoe.

Roof, Roof, Mr. Santa Claus. In a tribute to the holiday specials of Rankin and Bass, after Dr. Gwen (Raquel Welch) is hit on the head by a falling tree-topper, she imagines the cast and their furry patients as animated characters. Sparkles has only 24 hours to round up all of the animals of the forest to help him and the doctors of Boston Veterinary Clinic deliver Santa's toys.

101001111000101. It's her first Christmas on her own and Vicki (Katie Holmes) is not in the holiday spirit. Sassy (Stacey Dash) hopes a date to the office Christmas party with the FedEx guy (Dustin Diamond) will cheer her up, but things go horribly awry when he accidentally spills egg nog on her mother board, allowing her to speak only in binary code.

 

How the Snitch Stole Christmas. In this holiday-themed outing, Billy (Keifer Sutherland) must go undercover as a department store elf named Muffet to stop a ring of disgruntled store Santas from stealing all of the gifts under The Giving Tree. When the head Santa turns out to be Jeb's (David Caruso) crooked former partner, he must act quickly to get Billy out of danger and save Christmas for orphans everywhere. (Contains strong language, sexual situations and nudity.)

It's a Wonderful Assisted Livig Community. When Sully (Abe Vigoda) loses the homes bingo prizes in a snowstorm, he becomes convinced that everything he touches he destroys. An mysterious man (Jim Breuer) arrives to show him exactly what Shady Oaks would be like without him. Among other things, it features a despondent Phil (Ed Asner) and a power-mad Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers).

Miracle In the Dining Hall. Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) has lost the Christmas spirit so it's up to the gang to teach her the joys of the holidays while snowed in at school. Serendipity (Carol Channing) teams up with the Cafeteria Supervisor (Special guest star Aretha Franklin) to perform a medley of holiday classics. Chad and Mordecai (Jesse Bradford and Samm Levine) put the differences aside to bring Christmas gifts to orphans.

Stanley Kubrick's The Loneliest Reindeer

(2002) Part One. This holiday season, Bad Tiki Network proudly presents a new classic holiday miniseries executive produced by Steven Spielberg. Based on a screenplay the late Stanley Kubrick wrote in junior high, The Loneliest Reindeer tells the languorous tale of Noodles the reindeer. After his mother (voiced by Glenn Close) dies of hoof rot, an orphaned Noodles (voice of Joseph Gordon Levitt) sets out on a journey across the Nordic ice to find his home in Santa's Village. Along the way he teams up with a wayward piano-playing elf named Tinkle (Todd Field) who dreams of working for Santa as well. They are followed by an ominous masked figure (Harvey Keitel) who seems to know some secret about Noodles' past.

Part Two. After reaching the North Pole, Noodles tries to fit in with the other reindeer while Tinkle endures elf boot camp and nearly cracks under the pressure of head elf Snowball's (R. Lee Ermey) discipline. Soon, Santa (Brian Cox) needs Noodles' help to convince an aging Rudolph (voice of Christopher Walken) to guide his sleigh one last time. And in the end, Noodles and Tinkle must work together to stop a malfunctioning, super-intelligent toy-making machine and save Christmas for the whole world. Full of a nagging sense of existential dread and featuring songs by Shania Twain, Sting, Ashanti, Rufus Wainwright and a special duet by Paul McCartney and Elton John, The Loneliest Reindeer is sure to become a perennial family holiday favorite for years to come. (See Poster)

This Week: Stockings, are they safe? "The Little Drummer Boy": the truth behind America's favorite carol. The harrowing story of a Christmas that almost wasn't but then was. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks, "What the Hell is a figgy pudding, anyway? Is that a euphemism?"

Bad Tiki Network will be in reruns for a couple of weeks. Catch up on your favorite shows from the beginning here.

And don't forget to tune in on January 5, 2003 for the premiere of our new reality show, The Confirmed Bachelor.

Until then, from all of us here at BTN, from the board room to the mail room, Happy Holidays.

 
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