Week of December 1, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Leviticus Shemiticus. After a flirtatious encounter at a public stoning, Jesus (Seth Green) thinks Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) may be interested in him after all. But, when Pontius (Marc Blucas) becomes jealous of their relationship, Jesus must decide between following his heart or his destiny. Meanwhile, a mysterious man in black (Ted McGinley) arrives in Nazareth and becomes fast friends with Joseph (Tom Wopat).

Tighty Whiteys. Danny and Dave (Hal Sparks and Kerr Smith) accompany their boss (Harvey Fierstein) to a White Party. Hilarity ensues.

The Interview. Lola (Charo) prepares for her first sit-down interview with Hello! Magazine, but forces in the Palace conspire to make her look like a cheap floozy, only after the Prince's money. Lola's actions make the Prince see her in a new light. Meanwhile, the Queen (Maggie Smith) has a top-secret coffee date with the Prime Minister's father (Michael Gambon) which goes terribly awry when he puts the moves on Her Majesty.

Painted Desert. Sparkles' journey of self-discovery continues as he makes his way to a Navajo village in the desert southwest to meet with a tribal elder who may know the identity of his mother. In an outrageous subplot, Dr. Tanya Simpkin (Gretchen Mol) deals with a pair of bickering dachshunds whose owner is suing them for alienation of affection.

Beauty and the Bandwidth. When the company's server crashes, it's up to Vicki (Katie Holmes) to save the day. BUt, while she hardwires herself into the Internet, Sassy (Stacey Dash) must work fast to keep Vicki's robotic roots from the rest of the staff. Edie McClurg reprises her role from the original series as Mrs. Brindle, the companies new head of HR.

 

Pilot. Based on the straight to video film, David Caruso and Keifer Sutherland star as hard-boiled detective Jebediah Smith and surfer-turned cop, Billy "StarDoggy" Wesson. In their first case, Billy must surf for his life when his Jeb nearly breaks his cover with a group of drug-dealing surfers.

Doobies and Dreidel. It's Chanukah at Shady Oaks, and that can mean only two things: Gefilte fish and weed. While Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) tries to put a damper on the festivities, Phil (Ed Asner) and Dottie (Frances Sternhagen) reach a new milestone in their relationship. Meanwhile, Sully (Abe Vigoda) teaches some visiting schoolchildren about the Festival of Lights.

Love and the Proper GPA. Serendipity (Carol Channing) ends her first semester at the University of Manhattan worrying about her grades and in a quandary about her love life. Mordecai (Samm Levine) makes a last ditch effort to win her heart just as Chad (Jesse Bradford) begins to warm to her octogenarian wiles. Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) is also there.

The Bad Tiki Non-Denominational Holiday Extravanganza

(2002)Taped live in the fabled Courtyard of Mark's Apartment Building, this special features performances by all of Bad Tiki Network's performers. Seth Green and Abe Vigoda team up for "The Dreidel Song". Carol Channing performs a medley of Kwanzaa klassics. Charo stops the show with a rousing rendition of "Feliz Navidad". And Keifer Sutherland reads "'Twas the Night Before Christmas". Katie Holmes, Tom Wopat, David Caruso, Maggie Smith and Brian Dunkleman also appear.

This Week: Ceiling fans: Are the safe? Avril Lavigne shares her favorite holiday recipes, including her punky egg nog. The harrowing story of a Christmas that almost wasn't. And in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks, "Do you hear what I hear?"
© 1999-2002 a