Week of October 28, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

The Grapes of Wrath. When Jesus (Seth Green) joins the goat-head polo team, Mary and Joseph (Jean Smart, Tom Wopat) worry that his secret, heavenly abilities will make him a target of hate. But, when the team captain (Ethan Erickson) discovers Jesus' ability to turn water into wine, he becomes the most popular kid in school. After Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) has a little too much divine Merlot, the gang learns a valuable lesson about alcohol and chariot driving.

What a Drag. When they fear they are about to be evicted from their apartment, Danny and Dave (Hal Sparks and Kerr Smith) search desperately for new digs. When a writer, Henry Desmond (Peter Scolari), suggests they move into his old apartment at the Susan B. Anthony Hotel for Women the pair must shave their legs and invest in some panty shields. Wendy Jo Sperber, Telma Hopkins, Donna Dixon and Holland Taylor guest star.

Kind Hearts and Coronas. Mexico invades Buckingham Palace as Lola's entire family visits. While the Queen (Maggie Smith) bonds with Mama (Armonio Benedito) over their mutual love of soap operas, Charlie must contend with Lola's angry brother and nephew (Miguel Sandoval and Luis Guzman). Lupe Ontiveros and Latin pop star Shakira also guest.

Sex Kittens. When Dr. Grainger (Shannen Doherty) is called before the Veterinary Review Board for continuing to wear short skirts during office hours, the office erupts in a battle over gender roles and animal treatment. Dr. Gwen (Raquel Welch) advocates the use of sex as a weapon while Dr. DiPesto (Portia DiRossi) prefers using her femininity to diffuse tense situations involving aggressive male dogs. Sparkles (Molly) sets out with the help of Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek) to find his birth mother.

The Case of the Luxurious Lush. As Lica and the Lemur (Lainie Kazan and Jon Voight) prepare for the premiere of a new reality program chronicling their fabulous lives, Larry (Danny DeVito) must solve the murder of an obese, drug-addled former model who stood to inherit $100 million from her 94 year-old-husband. Jm J. Bullock guest stars as "Lenny Au Courant". (Series Finale)

Accused. The sisters get a taste of what it's like on the other side of the jail cell when they are accused of the murder of wicked socialite and her Pomeranian. Uncle Jimmy turns to an old college friend, novelist Jessica Fletcher, for help in unraveling the mystery. Angela Lansbury reprises her Murder, She Wrote role. Lisa Eldestein guest stars as the murdered woman's maid, Trixie.

It's Hot In Herre. Hip-Hop star Nelly pays a visit to Shady Oaks is this hilarious outing. When the cantankerous Grady (Bill Cobbs) gets bad news about his health, Sully and Phil (Abe Vigoda and Edward Asner) convince his grandson to make amends with the man before it's too late. Meanwhile, Dottie (Frances Sternhagen) and Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) compete against each other in an all night Mahjongg tourney.

My Heart Belongs to Daddy. When Serendipity's 102-year-old father (Hal Holbrook) finds out that she has switched her major from Pre-Med to Drama, she worries that he will cut off her tuition payments. Mordecai (Samm Levine) and Josh (Jesse Bradford) bond over a game of pick-up lacrosse. Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) ponders a sexual proposition from her Organic Chemistry professor (Eric Roberts). Serendipity: Carol Channing.

DeathKill

(2000) Bad Tiki Network's Career Immolation Theater proudly presents the World Broadcast Premiere of this tense thriller starring David Caruso and Kiefer Sutherland. When a drug ring murders his partner (Vondie Curtis-Hall), Detective Jebediah Smith (Caruso) seeks the help of retired surfer, Billy "StarDoggy" Wesson to track down the culprit. Though, initially, their varying styles cause conflict, StarDoggy's renegade tactics lead to the arrest of a drug kingpin (Vincent D'Onofrio). But, when both fall for a beautiful but deadly hitmistress (Linda Fiorentino) their newfound partnership is put to the test. Also starring Harvey Keitel as "Lt. Sanders".(View Poster)

This Week: Winona Ryder sits down with BTNM's Arthur Kent to discuss her burgeoning film career, the death of teen pop and the wonder that is cellular technology. What shoplifting trial? Also: Thumb tacks: Are the safe? The harrowing story of a woman who lost her ear to a blender. And in The Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks, what's love got to do with it?
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