Week of November 24, 2002

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Mr. Methuselah. When Nazareth High's oldest teacher (Hal Holbrok) dies, it's up to Jesus (Seth Green) to decide whether to bring him back to life or not. Meanwhile, Pontius (Marc Blucas) and Maggie (Bianca Kjalich) grow closer together over a shared fondness for milk and honey. Meanwhile, Mary and Joseph (Jean Smart and Tom Wopat) endure a crisis in the marriage over an infidelity 16 years ago.

Out of This Closet. Dan and Dave meet Evie (Maureen Flannigan), a beautiful girl with a secret. When Dave (Kerr Smith) is drawn to her, Dan (Hal Sparks) contends with odd feelings for her boyfriend, Chris Fuller (Steve Burton). Donna Pescow guest stars as Donna Garland in this Out of This World reunion. Voice of Troy: Burt Reynolds.

Buddy Lembeck Is Missing. When Charlie's (Charlie Hunnam) former babysitter (Scott Baio) drops by for a visit, Lola (Charo) is immediately smitten. While a jealous Charlie looks on, Charles and Lola see the sights of London while searching for his missing friend, Buddy. Josie Davis and Nicole Eggert guest as American diplomats who vie for Charlie's affections. Meanwhile, The Queen (Maggie Smith) pays a visit to her psychic, Madame Baklava (Ellen Travolta).

The New Girl. Fresh from her stint on David E. Kelley's girls club, Gretchen Mol joins the cast as Dr. Tanya Simpkins, whose renegade antics immediately clash with the rest of the clinic. But, when Dr. Gwen's (Raquel Welch) guinea pig, Chester, is in need of immediate surgery, the doctors must work together to save him. Sparkles' search for his birth mother takes him to Appalachia, where he meets a border collie with a secret.

Pilot. The Small Wonder saga continues in this new series. When a short circuit causes her wedding to Big Blue to go awry, grown-up robot Vicki heads to Seattle to work for an internet start-up. There, she meets Sassy (Stacey Dash), the receptionist who soon learns the secrets of her circuitry. Wallace Langham also stars as the acerbic and vaguely gay Howard and C. Thomas Howell returns to the limelight as the boss who may have a little crush on Vicki.

Living It Up. When their aunt (Ann Jillian) is accused of murdering a busboy, the sisters (Paris and Nicky Hilton) travel into the world of restaurant management to find the real killer. Crystal Bernard, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Gail Edwards and Marilyn Mercer guest star. (Series finale. Next week, Deathkill: The Series premieres.)

She's Still the Sheriff. While on a road trip to Dollywood, Sully and Phil (Abe Vigoda and Edward Asner) run afoul of the local Sheriff (Suzanne Sommers) and must spend a night in a backwoods jail. There, they teach the inmates Canasta while they wait for Dottie and Nurse Betty (Frances Sternhagen and Sally Struthers) to bail them out. George Wyner also guests as Deputy Max Rubin.

Top 40. Serendipty (Carol Channing) gets an after school job at a record company called Throb. While she and the receptionist (Jane Leeves) hit it off, she soon messes up an important meeting, earning the ire of the boss (Johnathan Prince). Meanwhile, Teritary Black Character (Elise Neal) and Mordecai (Samm Levine) try to survive finals. And Chad (Jesse Bradford) begins betting on dograces.

Voltaire's Candide

(2002) Carrot Top stars in this lavishly staged retelling of Voltaire's classic treatise on philosophy and enlightenment. Dr. Pangloss: Sean Hayes.

This Week. Can Openers: Are they safe? Jennifer Lopez: So very, very real. The harrowing story of a Wisconsin man disfigured my a milking machine and in the Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman asks: Who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?
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