Week of January 5, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

Houseguests and Fish. While Jesus (Seth Green) is still on a high after his romantic dance with Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) at the Winter Formal, Pontius (Marc Blucas) schemes with Judas (Timm Sharp) to make him look like a fool at the annual Father/Son Fishing Tournament. Meanwhile, Mary (Jean Smart) has trouble getting rid of three kingly houseguests who have overstayed their welcome. Lucifer (Ted McGinley) pays a mysterious visit to the alchemist's shop.

Pilot. In the first episode of this reality series, we meet Derek, a handsome and successful internet millionaire who is unlucky in love. He moves into a house with sixteen other eligible bachelors and, over the next six weeks, must winnow the group down to the one man he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The group of Suitors includes a male model named Devon, three bartenders named Tim, Steve, a financial analyst with a harelip and Nuktu, a handsome Eskimo. Derek seems taken with Ben, a blond Human Resources Recruiter, but spends much of his time in the hot tub with swim instructor Matthew, professional dancer Enrique and two of the Tims. (So Straight It Hurts will return after The Confirmed Bachelor's six-week run.)

Palace Intrigue. Still reeling from their passionate kiss under the mistletoe, The Prince (Charlie Hunnam) and Lola (Charo) avoid each other and devote themselves to other projects. Lola tries to book acts for a Concert at Prince Albert Hall but runs afoul of the Queen (Maggie SMith) when she suggests an all thrash-metal set. Charlie must settle a dispute between a cross-dressing butler (Eddie Izzard) and a cranky senior scullery maid (Gemma Jones). Rob Zombie also guests as himself.

Mother and Child Reunion. In a very special episode, Dr. Simpkins (Gretchen Mol) believes the stray dog she is treating may be Sparkles' biological mother. But, when Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek) suspects the pooch may be a con artist, the clinic bands together to protect Sparkles' fragile mental state.

Think Different. Vicki (Katie Holmes) is panicked when Jed (C. Thomas Howell) suggests moving the company computers to Macintosh, which is incompatible with her operating system. Meanwhile, Sassy (Stacey Dash) and Howard (Wallace Langham) compete for a company-paid trip to Amsterdam.

Thief of Hearts. Jeb (David Caruso) and Billy (Kiefer Sutherland) are hot on the trail of an all-female gang of jewel thieves. But, when Billy accidentally falls for the leader (Michelle Forbes) all Hell breaks loose.

Dude, Where's My Rascal? In the original, unaired pilot Sully and Phil (Abe Vigoda and Edward Asner) wander through a shopping mall looking for their misplaced personal mobility device. Their quest is thwarted by a mentally unbalanced Clinique Girl (Sarah Rue), a security gurad with a vendetta (Richard Riehle) and a personal shopper (Brenda Strong) with her sights on world domination.

Music and Memories. As Serendipity (Carol Channing) flashes back to her first semester at the University of Manhattan, she sings a series of showtunes to illuminate each incident. Songs include: "Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair", "On My Own" and "Gethsemane".

The Fourth Wife: The Sheila Dennison-Shay Story

(2003) Valerie Bertinelli stars in this true story of a Utah single mother drawn into a world of bigamy by a handsome stranger (Brian Kerwin) who promises to be a good father to her two adorable children. But, when Shiela (Bertinelli) clashes with the other wives (Brenda Strong, Lisa Edelstein and Megyn Price) her dream-like world crashes down into a sea of regret, anger and murder.

This Week: Sleds, are the safe? Avril Lavigne: Punk princess or Pod Alanis? The harrowing story of a grandmother who lost her elbow in a sewing machine. And in The Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman declares: "We don’t need no water, let the mother-fucker burn."
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