Week of January 12, 2003

Looking for a television network that specializes in high-concept vehicles for washed up actors? Where no premise is too asinine? Where no actor is too difficult or "crazy"? Well, you've found it. Welcome to the Bad Tiki Network.

Here's what we have in store for you this week. Click on the show title to see the ad. And look for some new shows soon.

The Grapes of Wrath. When Jesus (Seth Green) joins the goat-head polo team, Mary and Joseph (Jean Smart, Tom Wopat) worry that his secret, heavenly abilities will make him a target of hate. But, when the team captain (Ethan Erickson) discovers Jesus' ability to turn water into wine, he becomes the most popular kid in school. After Maggie (Bianca Kajlich) has a little too much divine Merlot, the gang learns a valuable lesson about alcohol and chariot driving. (Repeat)

Week Two. A wrench is thrown into the game when each of the twelve remaining suitors (Ben, Enrique, Steve, Matthew, Nuktu, Jordan, Devon, Billy, Dominic, Tim, Tim and Tim) is allowed to choose one of the other men for a one-on-one date, leaving Derek alone in the hottub with Nuktu. Billy, a financial analyst from Chicago, makes a love connection with Dominic, a bartender/model from Los Angeles. Human Resources Recruiter Ben is shocked when he walks into the dining room and finds a menage-a-Tim going on. Devon, a waiter from Baltimore, breaks down in tears when Derek doesn't choose him for a hot air balloon ride and Enrique and Steve almost come to blows over the last tube of Clinique Skin Refresher for Men.

Pilot. After a night spent carousing in Las Vegas, Prince Charlie (Charlie Hunnam) wakes up married to Lola (Charo), a spicy showgirl twice his age. As he tries to get out of the marriage, Lola makes herself at home in Buckingham Palace, rankling the Queen of England (Maggie Smith). (Repeat)

Canis Horribilis . When a rich client (John Larroquette) seeks the clinic's health in proving his poople, Dimples, didn't kill a neighbor's shih tzu, Dr. Torres (Salma Hayek) and Dr. Grainger (Shannen Doherty) put differences aside to prove him innocent. But once they obtain immunity for Dimples, a darker truth emerges on the stand, implicating a recuperating Sparkles, who Dr. Gwen (Racquel Welch) thinks may be gay. Judge Hiller: Linda Hunt. (Repeat)

Pilot. The Small Wonder saga continues in this new series. When a short circuit causes her wedding to Big Blue to go awry, grown-up robot Vicki heads to Seattle to work for an internet start-up. There, she meets Sassy (Stacey Dash), the receptionist who soon learns the secrets of her circuitry. Wallace Langham also stars as the acerbic and vaguely gay Howard and C. Thomas Howell returns to the limelight as the boss who may have a little crush on Vicki. (Repeat)

 

Rawhide. Jeb (David Caruso) and Billy (Kiefer Sutherland) go undercover as rodeo clowns to find the culprit in a rash of daring, midday bank robberies. A comis subplot finds Jeb the object of affection for a particularly randy bull.

It's Hot In Herre. Hip-Hop star Nelly pays a visit to Shady Oaks is this hilarious outing. When the cantankerous Grady (Bill Cobbs) gets bad news about his health, Sully and Phil (Abe Vigoda and Edward Asner) convince his grandson to make amends with the man before it's too late. Meanwhile, Dottie (Frances Sternhagen) and Nurse Betty (Sally Struthers) compete against each other in an all night Mahjongg tourney. (Repeat)

PIlot. When her favorite volunteer at the community center, Chad (Jesse Bradford), graduates from high school and heads for college, Serendipity Horton (Carol Channing) makes a decision to follow her heart. Even though she is the oldest matriculated student at the University of Manahattan, she makes fast friends with a quirky R.A. (Samm Levine) and clashes with her wild roommate (Amanda Foreman). But Chad seems less than happy to see her. Each episode begins with an elaborate dance number, sung to her former nurse, Sally (Voice of Kathy Griffin). (Repeat)

Soccer Mom Sex Addict: The Debbie Moriarty Story

(2002) In this story inspired by actual events, Meredith Baxter-Birney stars as Minnesota housewife Debbie Moriarty, whose husband (John Getz) leaves her for a younger woman. Consumed with doubts about her self-worth, she hires a hustler (Daniel Cosgrove) and falls into a spiral of paid sex and debauched parties. But, when she is accused of a murder, only her daughter (Tracey Gold) can save her.

This Week: Upright pianos, are the safe? Brittany Murphy: Svelte and sassy! The harrowing story of a girl scout who lost her toes in a sledding accident. And in The Dunk Tank, Brian Dunkleman declares: "We're not gonna take it. No, we ain't gonna take it."
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