Hey toobers! So, I've been away for some time and while I know that has been frustration for you, my loyal readers, I must assure you that it was worth it. I have been able to get exclusive interviews with the cast and crews of all of BTN's new and returning shows and all the scoop is right here.

Now, as for the summer programming I told you about. Unfortunately, due to breaking news coverage and extreme laziness, BTN was not able to put on their summer schedule. But trust me, the wait has been worth it.

Next week, I'll be back to answer your questions about all the shows and some exclusive scoop on just who Serendipity chose. But first, here's a guide to in store this season on BTN. And be sure to catch the season premieres, two weeks from tonight on September 20.

What's New:

Who Am I? - Melrose Place's Kimberly and Matt return to the small screen in this irreverent comedy. Marcia Cross stars as a suburban housewife Sandra Stillson, a mom to three and the host to 47 distinct personalities. Each week, hapless husband Dick (Doug Savant) and their three kids must deal with a new character. Will it be Betsy, the 60 year old grandmother and five time world knitting champion? Or will it be Shanequa, the saucy black prostitute and judo expert? Each week is a hilarious surprise.

It's Our Party - When Staten Island housewives Trixie and Flo (Facts of Life's Mindy Cohn and Bosom Buddies' Wendie Jo Sperber) find out their husbands are cheating on them -- with each other -- they decide to ditch their downtrodden digs for a fabulous new life in Manhattan. After a trip to their outrageous beautician (Meshach Taylor) and the mall, they're suddenly remade as Cassandra and Lenore, the glitziest party planners in town. But while the rest of New York buys into their rich and glamourous act, stuffy socialite Constance Hargood(Julia Duffy) may be on to their true, poor identities. Will she expose them as frauds or will they become the best of friends? Only time and a few martinis will tell.

Hail Mary - Meet the Sisters of the Immaculate Conception. By day, they live a life of poverty and chastity, but by night they are members of V.R.G.I.N., the Vatican Righteous Global Intelligence Network, a super secret organization which is the last line of defense against international crime and the forces of evil. Starring tennis superstar Anna Kournikova as Sister Mary Katerina, international pop sensation Brandy Norwood as Sister Mary Tyrone, Dawson's Creek's Lourdes Benedicto as Sister Mary Maria and Denise Richards as their Mother Superior. Each week, the sisters receive their orders from "The Man Upstairs" (Lorenzo Lamas) and set about to thwart the spread of evil and crime. Executive Producer Aaron Spelling calls it "Charlie's Angels meets Lillies of the Field."

Spelling doesn’t think the characters vows of chastity will interfere with the sex appeal of the show. "Look," he says, "At the end of the day, they're doing God's work. So, if they have to, say, go uncover as Vegas strippers to bring down a Columbian drug lord, I don’t think the Almighty is going to hold that against them. And each episode does end with a trip to the confessional."

"A sexy trip to the confessional," he hastily added.

Camdens On the Castro - In this spin-off of the WB's enormously successful Seventh Heaven, Matt and Mary Camden (Barry Watson and Jessica Biel) relocate to the City by the Bay. But they soon learn that San Francisco is a long way from Glenoak when they find their apartment is a block away from the Mecca of gay America. "It's a more adult show," says Brenda Hampton, an Executive Producer and the creator of Seventh Heaven. "Matt and Mary are going to be faced with people who are very different from the ones they grew up with. There's a lot of carnality and sin."

Adds Darren Star, another Executive Producer on the series, "We're not telling the same kinds of stories as the mother show. This is a show about temptation and it's quite possible one or both of our main characters are going to give into that. And these are young people just starting out, there may be experimentation. They're away from the parents and ready to go wild."

One thing that truly separates Camdens on the Castro from the original series are the regular calls for nudity and the TV-14 rating. Also, this one's a sitcom, or a dramedy as Star has billed it. And the pilot episode's kiss between Biel and guest star Jaime Pressley is sure to ruffle the more traditional fans of the first series. Says Hampton, "The audience may not be ready for the places we're going to take them, but I think they'll catch up. These are two enormously gifted and attractive actors. And it's time that we showed that even daughters of ministers who once had a sip of beer and therefore had to move to Buffalo can find love in the most unlikely places."

"Like in the bathroom of a lesbian bar," added Star.

"Exactly," says Hampton. "Like in the bathroom of a lesbian bar."

Returning series:

H.R.H. Hoochie Coochie - When last we left Lola and Charlie, they had fallen overboard from the Pacific Princess after renewing their wedding vows and declaring their eternal love. In the season premiere, they find themselves aboard an oil tanker headed for the Persian Gulf. When the crew doesn’t believe Charlie's tales of kingly lineage, the couple find themselves doing manual labor to earn a trip home. Can their royal love survive 18 hour days and seasickness? Later this season, Lola's orphaned five year old niece (part yet to be cast) joins the show and starts stirring trouble. Says now season regular Hugh Laurie (Prime Minister Jones) "It was time for a moppet. Boy, was it time."

Suddenly, Small Wonder - After Vicki's heartbreak last season when her new robotic boyfriend Jake had to be rebooted and forgot she ever existed, she's a little gunshy when it comes to relationships. But the office won't be without romance in the form of Howard and Sassy, whose drunken Vegas fling may not yet be flung. And Harriet is still lurking around, trying to expose Vicki's circuits once and for all.

Dude, Where's My Rascal - Everyone is still reeling from Phil and Dottie's interrupted nuptials. The couple themselves re-evaluate their relationship and decide to set out on their own for a while. Meanwhile, Sully's whirlwind romance with Florence (new cast member Phyllis Diller) takes an unexpected jump forward after a trip to Reno. And Nurse Betty's high doesn’t seem to be coming down anytime soon.

Serendipity - When we last left the college soap opera, Serendipity (Carol Channing) faced a choice between two strapping young men, but the producers and cast members are tight-lipped about who she chose. From what I hear, we not get a happy ending to either relationship for quite some time. One thing we will get, however, are more dance numbers including a sultry production of Serendipity singing "All That Jazz". One thing the producers are promising this year: Tertiary Black Character (Elise Neal) will finally get a story all her own.

Catfight - David E. Kelley's veterinary drama enters it's second season with Tiffani Thiessen's Dr. Amber Ventura the new star of the show. Drs. Dipesto and Simpkins continue to explore their attraction. And guest star Florence Henderson joins the cast for a three episode arc about parvo.

Jesus' Creek - It's going to be a tough year for Jesus. He may have defeated Satan in the season finale, but the Big Bad will return in a new form: sexy math teacher Heather Locklear. "I'm temptation," says the Melrose Place and Spin City grad. "Jesus is going to be very drawn to me." But her true target may be his Dad as Mary and Joseph continue to have marital difficulties. Meanwhile, Pontius's summer vacation in Gomorrah has left him a changed man. Where does that leave the blind and suddenly single Maggie? Why stumbling her way into Jesus' arms, of course.

Well boob-tubers, it's that time again. Have questions for Wendy? Send them to askwendy@badtiki.com. Until next time..

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