On Saturday, Scott and I welcomed a new member to our household. We
s pent the day staring at it, taking turns giving it big hugs. When we woke up the next morning, the first thing we did was make it was still there. Our beautiful cable box -- how we love it.

I have lived for 2 and a half years without cable. I know what you're
thinking. How can I of all people have survived without cable, as
obsessed as I am with television. The answer is that I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I put up with the constant fiddling with antennas, the crappy, staticky picture, the limited channel selection. And all of these things were indeed hardships. But now that we have out little black boxy friend, those days are gone for Scott and me. We are a cable household. Such glorious words.

Welcome back into my life, Trading Spaces. Hildi, you crazy.

Oh, MTV, you show even fewer videos now than when we last parted. How
Is that possible?

Is that Just One of the Guys? Asks Scott. Yes, it is. Thank you
Comedy Central. Also, good to see you Lemmiwinks.

E! Who is this Guiliana person? We both immediately hate her for no
discernible reason.

CBS, you're so clear and crisp. But what am I doing watching network
television? There is cable here. Cable!

Oh Bravo. When I left you were just bi-curious. Now look at you.

Government Access. I still don’t care about you, but there you are, on my telelvision. Yay.

Seriously, who is Guiliana sleeping with? She’s the most annoying woman on television since Rita Sever, and she was married to the producer.

You know what the first thing that came on our cable when it was installed was? A Ben Stiller Show marathon. This is the best proof yet that there is a God, and she likes me. I still think his 1993 Fox show is the funniest sketch comedy of the 90’s. We didn’t see Mohican 5000 yet, but just knowing that the possibility exists is tantalizing.

I am so happy to have emerged from my broadcast-only, antennae-dependant dark age. I’m so happy to have CNN and VH-1 and Fox Sports Espagnol back in my life. This is the dream to which I have aspired for the last 2 and a half years.

But I need to take a minute to talk about the Emmy’s. First, I’m happy for Debra Messing because with the way her show has been sucking progressively more lately, this was her last chance to win. Also, I’m happy for Jon Stewart and The Daily Show, Tony Shaloub and Joey Pants. Everyone else, you already have Emmys.

“But not for Judging Amy” says Tyne Daly. Yeah, there was a reason for that, hun. The show is bland and uninteresting. You know who wasn’t bland and uninteresting last year? Lena Olin. Lauren Ambrose. Penny Jerald. Lots of people. Your speech about Richard Crenna was lovely and obviously heartfelt, but that was Lena’s award and I wouldn’t piss Irina off.

Edie Falco, you know I love you and I know you deserved this award. But after Alison stole here last here, the least you could do was give Frances Conroy one of yours.

Brad and Doris, how can you look Peter Boyle in the eye? Do the respectable thing next year and withdraw your name from competition. You too, Hyde Pierce.

As for the ceremony itself, just let Jon Stewart host the thing next year. He and Ellen and Conan were very funny. I keep hearing how funny George Lopez was, but I didn’t quite get it. He wasn’t as unfunny as Shandling, of course, but it wasn’t that great a set. Wanda Sykes started very funny but got less funny as the night progressed. Maybe that “In my day we spoke English” burn from the Cos didn’t help. Remember when Cosby was the funniest guy in the world and not the dour Vice Principal of Hollywood?

As for my best and worst dressed: 24’s Elisha Cuthbert looked sassy in her blue cocktail dress and kicky new ‘do. Nobody was exactly God-awful. Well, that’s not true, two people were but I adore them. Let’s just say plays someone married to Martin Sheen and the other plays his best friend.

Speaking of the Sheen, what was with him not appearing when his name was read then marching down the aisle triumphantly when the show won Best Drama (bwuh?)?

All in all, the best thing about the Emmys was that we got to watch them in crystal-clear cable. And then watch Trading Spaces.