Janice Talks About American Idol - Year You Were Born Night

It’s about fricking time Mark let me write something on this thing. I mean, he created the whole site around me (without my permission, I may add) and never even lets me talk. And I have things to say. I have thoughts to express. I mean I sit up on this shelf all the time, what the Hell else do I have to occupy my time but to think. And since Mark seems to keep putting off writing his American Idol blog entry, Janice is here to do it for him.

Mark first started foisting this show on me in the first season, and now I’ve lived through enough bad renditions of crappy pop to cause post-traumatic stress disorder. What did I do to Mark to cause him to foist Carmen Rasmussen on me? Or that Leah Labelle person? Or Ejay? Mark likes to think that he’s not hurting anyone by watching this show, but what about me? What about Gnome? Can we not hear and see everything he does? That’s right, Mark, everything. You, too, New Guy. (I realize he’s been living with us for like two and a half years, but I’ve been with Mark since he was born, so he’s still New Guy to me. Plus, you should hear the crap he makes me listen to when Mark isn’t home. We’re talking mid-80’s adult contemporary, people. That shit stings. It digs inside of you and festers. And it’s not like I can plug my ears because of the whole no arms thing. But don’t feel sorry for Janice. Janice is tough. I was in ‘Nam, people.)

So, yeah, anyway. American Idol. They keep saying that this season features the best group ever. And while that may be true, it is the most consistent group with the least dead weight, it’s not like anyone is a true Stah. Fantasia was a Stah. Kelly was a Stah. New Guy likes Carrie a whole lot, and she’s good. But she ain’t singing "Summertime" is my point. Plus, that Constantine guy ican be creepy. And that’s saying something. Look at me. I know creepy.

So, let me break down last night’s performances for you and let you in on how Janice thinks. If he’s good, I might do this for Mark every week.

Nadia Turner

Nadia, honey, what was that? You looked gorgeous, all red and 70’s-sexy. And your voice was pretty darn good. But in service of what? A Crystal Gayle B-Side? You were born in the year of Rumours and Hotel California and that’s what you picked. Hell, "Nadia’s Theme" came out that year – you could have stood on stage and hummed the theme to Young and the Restless and it would have been both more memorable and more entertaining. And you chose the song because it’s about dreams and you’re a dreamer? What the hell song isn’t about dreams? And again, Rumours. The whole. Damn. Album. No excuse. Still, it’d be a shame if she went home. Us artsy-fartsy girls need to stick together.

C+

Bo Bice

Bo. Damn, way to make an obvious choice and then bore the hell out of us. "Freebird"? Really? I like you, dude, but that was just aiight for me. You see how disengaged I was, Bo? I quoted Randy Jackson. I’m sure Bo is safe, but he needs to start owning it in the coming weeks. You’re a favorite, act like it. And if you must sing Skynyrd (and, really, you must not) then sing it. Stop trying to run around the stage. Just stand up there and tell me a story with your voice. Thanks, though, for not asking to see lighters.

B-

Anwar Robinson

So, Dionne Warwick, huh? Not a bad choice. Never been a huge Dionne fan, but this is a good song and he did a nice job with it. But, really, what’s the point? Anwar is probably the nicest AI contestant ever. He’s just so Student of the Month. Polite, sweet, nice voice. But he’s not really an idol. He’s too good. Like, I want to protect him from the cold cruel world and just let him get back to teaching. He’s never blown me away (though I really liked his "Moon River"). I certainly would like him to stick around a little while longer, but he shouldn’t win.

B

Anthony Federov

Oh, Anthony. Such a nice kid. Such a nice ass. Such a mediocre performer. This was miles better than last week’s horrific Mother Superior moment, but he isn’t making me forget Clay. Or George Huff for that matter. But I will give him extra points for not wearing any necklaces this week that scream out “Ask me about my tracheotomy”.

B

Vonzell Solomon

Vonzell keeps upping the ante every week and it’s nice to see that. So many of these performers are coasting that it’s great to have some energy from her. And "Let’s Hear It For the Boy" was a great choice. I doubt she can win, but she looks more and more like final four every week.

B+

Scott Savol

Why is this skulking homunculus still assaulting me with his off-key warbling? Dude’s a time bomb. And maybe I could deal with that if he was some amazing performer, but he isn’t. He was good in auditions because the cognitive dissonance of this hulking loser actually being able to hit a note made him seem so much better than he really is. He rarely hits three right notes in a row. His facial hair violates the Geneva Convention. And that sassy, “It takes guts to get up here. I’d like to see the people at home try it” crap ain’t winning him any friends. Yeah, Scott, it does take guts to get up in front of millions of people every week. It also takes guts to be a man and NOT throw phones at your girlfriend. I realize it’s a cheap shot, but I just hate him so much. And, Scott, if it’s such a trial to perform in front of us, do everyone a favor and stop. Right now. Just stop. You’re gross and I’m scared of you. Not so much that you’ll hit me, but that you’ll use me to hit someone else. And then I’d have to spend the rest of my life in an evidence locker. And while that might be cleaner than the pigsty these boys call their home, it wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining. It does take guts to sing a song this badly in front of Hall and Oates. Not only did they write the song, but they were also apparently freeze dried in 1987 and only recently defrosted. Blond one? You’re in your fifties, lose the leather jacket and the mullet. And other guy. Dude. I thought you beard was scary but bring it back. Cause that mug of yours is frightening the children. So, to sum up, Scott sounded like Hall and Oates look.

D

Carrie Underwood

For weeks, New Guy has been hoping Carrie would break out the Benetar. When Carrie’s song choice popped on the screen, he let out a sound like a stuck pig. A really, really happy stuck pig. And then he got misty. And while I realize he’s kind of a weirdo sometimes, it’s moments like that that make me see why Mark loves him so much. Carrie rocked it last night. Her voice was spot on for the most part, she looked to be having a lot of fun. And while her dance moves were a little stiff, the more comfortable she gets on stage the better she will be. She flubbed the lyrics a bit, and that’s bad. But she really held my attention (not easy when New Guy is, like, convulsing with pleasure on the couch). A fun, frisky and thoroughly Carrie performance.

A

Constantine Maroulis

Connie and I have had an interesting relationship. When I first saw him in the footage “quitting his band” I immediately pegged him as an annoying sellout. Then I heard him sing and realized he had a lot of talent. Then he kept trying to rock out when clearly he is better suited to emote. And then last week he sang "My Funny Valentine" and I melted. The eye-fucking with the camera creeped me out, but there was no denying how good the singing was. And then this week: "Bohemian Rhapsody". It could have either been very good or very, very bad. :What About the Children?" bad. There could be no in between. And wow. That was awesome. I felt tingles in my lady parts. And I’m a disembodied head -- I have no lady parts. That was showmanship, yet he was also in complete control. And the hair-flipping was spot on. Best performance of the competition so far (second is still Miss Underwood’s "Alone"). Keep doing that and he will be American Idol.

A+

My prediction for bottom three:

Nadia, Anwar and Scott.

My prediction for what Paula was on:

She seemed pretty lucid this week. Probably just Xanax.

I’ll be back next week with more thoughts on the show, the judges (get some new material, Simon) and the Seacrest (almost cute this season. I know!)