Janice Talks About American Idol - 70's Dance Classics Night

Hello all. I’m back with my thoughts on American Idol. Last night was “70’s Dance Classics” night. Because Disco is too hard to say. Or because no one wanted to make Bice turn the beat around or something.

Constantine Maroulis

After Ryan, who gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today (for Radio), introduces us to the judges, Constantine Maroulis starts us off with The Bee-Gees’ “Nights On Broadway”. Oh, God, what happened to your face, Connie? Oh, sorry, that’s just eye-liner. Eek. Here’s a quick quiz to help you determine whether you, as a male, should be wearing eye-liner.
1. Are you currently in a production of A Clockwork Orange?
2. Are you Billy Joe of Green Day?
3. Are you Brandon Flowers of The Killers?

If you answered no to all of these questions, then find yourself some Noxema and wipe that crap off. Because it does not work for you.

This performance was fine. It’s a good song and he stayed in key and everything. But the whole thing was whatever, especially after the bombast of last week.

B

Carrie Underwood

I can’t really dis Carrie because if I do, New Guy will probably dunk my head in the toilet or something. So, I loved her, she was better than Cats, and I’m going to see her again and again.

But the song, "MacArthur Park"? That’s fair game. What was she thinking? I realize that the song does have an amazing vocal, but it’s in service of the most bisbegotten lyrics in American songwriting. Is this song supposed to be literal? Did someone really leave a cake with green forsting (assumedly decorated to look like the titular park) out in the rain. And where did this recipe go to that she can never get it again? Did it self-destruct or something? And, seriously, it’s pastry. No need to belt about it.

Or is the song allegorical? In that case, what does the cake represent? A lost love affair? Is that what the recipe is? But what does that have to do with MacArthur Park? I’m very confused. And Carrie cleary was as well. Pick a better song next time.

B

Scott Savol

I refuse to listen to this ass-boil any longer. Gnome did the dirty work for me and reports that while he stayed mainly on key, and his dancing was passable, he remains and ever shall be Scott Savol, and therefore sucked. Good to hear that he and Nadia are just friends. Because that rumor was scary.

D

Anthony Federov

Mark and New Guy keep talking about how cute this kid is. Mark said he is “squishy in all the right places,” and it’s times like that that I really wish I had stomach contents to void. But I just sit here, stoically, listening to him sing some somg I’ve never heard by a band called Tavares that I’ve never heard of. Still, it was one of his best performances and he should stay another week.

B+

Vonzell Soloman

Vonzell is Every Woman. So many American Idols clain to be every woman that it’s getting comfusing. The backing singers seemed to be doing all the heavy lifting all night, but never more than in the opening verses of Vonzell’s song. But she came alive toward the end. She keeps topping herself every week.

A-

Anwar Robinson

Anwar, you bore me. Such a nice guy, but snooze. Take a risk, dude. With your high register, why no Bee-Gees? Huh? Unfortunately, given how well everyine else did tonight, it’s probably time to say goodbye.

C+

Bo Bice

Bo, it was great and all, but it wasn’t dance. You did not fulfill the specifics of the assignment. While I would give you an A for performace and vocals, I have to disqualify you. Sorry.

DQ

So, all in all, a boring night. Let’s hope it gets better next week.

Prediction for bottom three:

Anwar, A-Fed and Scott.

What’s Paula on?

Bacardi and Codeine. With lime.

Janice out.