Dear Christian Advisor

I keep getting spam from a "Christian Advisor" offering to refinance my home...the godly way. So, here's what I said to him:

Dear Christian Advisor,

I am neither Christian nor a homeowner. Please remove me from your mailing list post haste.

Also, didn't Jesus like, throw the Moneychangers out of the friggin' temple? Your company violates like 3 commandments. Have you not seen the Simpsons where Homer stole cable? It's all very well spelled out. The Simpsons is a brilliant show, isn't it? Very astute satire. I like the Sea Captain, don't you?

Look, we can be honest. You could care less whether or not I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior (personally, I prefer Cher). All you want is my money. Well, hate to break it to you, but I have none. Once I get finished with rent, food, car, utilities and internet porn, I have nothing left over to buy DVD's, let alone pay for the down payment on a home. So, aside from targeting a non-believer with your spam (I said it), you've attempted to prey on a poor schlub with no money.

I realize that no one may be reading this e-mail. I'm probably talking to a computer. So, hey computer: 101011110000111001111100000111011!!!!! (Sorry, I know my accent is atrocious)

But, in the unlikely event that this has reached an actual person, hello. I do not want your service. Remove me from your list. Any further contact will be documented for prosecution for religious harassment. And I'm sure you know all about those anti-religious activist judges. You're going to be so indebted to me I will end up with your cat. And I'll convert her to Judaism just to spite you. I'm not Jewish, but she will be. And I'll let her watch non-family friendly television. Like Deadwood and America's Next Top Model.

I'm serious.

Love,
Mark